WEBVTT
00:00:04.959 --> 00:00:10.320
Her preschool teacher pulled me aside and said, You have to hear what Sloane said today.
00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:20.480
During a diaper change with a red raw rash, this little two-year-old looked up at me and said, I'm strong, I'm brave, I can do hard things.
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:24.160
A two-year-old comforting herself out loud.
00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:32.640
And yet, this same little girl, who's genuinely exceptional at managing her emotions, refused to sit on the potty.
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:36.240
Oh, she'll use it as a chair, but actually use it?
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:37.920
Absolutely not.
00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:47.200
Today I'm going to tell you how her mom overcame this resistance and why the strategies most parents try can make potty pushbacks so much worse.
00:00:47.439 --> 00:00:48.719
Stick with me.
00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:51.280
Welcome to toddler's Made Easy.
00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:57.920
This episode is for every parent who's in the trenches of potty training and wondering what they're doing wrong.
00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:06.319
And it's also for every parent who's just thinking about starting because you're less likely to run into problems if you're prepared for them.
00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:10.319
I'm going to give you some tools today that will make a huge difference.
00:01:10.560 --> 00:01:14.480
I've used these strategies with tens of thousands of families.
00:01:14.640 --> 00:01:22.319
They're research backed, kid forward, and honestly, once you understand the why behind them, they just make sense.
00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:23.920
So let's get into it.
00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:26.879
Potty pushback is normal.
00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:30.640
Most kids will resist at some point during potty training.
00:01:30.799 --> 00:01:36.560
It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, and it doesn't mean your child is particularly defiant.
00:01:36.799 --> 00:01:39.599
And it doesn't even mean you should start over.
00:01:39.840 --> 00:01:45.359
And here's the thing toddlers are hardwired to seek independence.
00:01:45.519 --> 00:01:49.760
It's one of their biggest developmental priorities at this age.
00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:58.239
They're actively, constantly trying to figure out what they can control in a world where most things are decided for them.
00:01:58.480 --> 00:02:04.079
And one of the places they discover they have control is when and where they pee and poop.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:12.560
I know, not ideal, but once you understand that, the pushback stops feeling personal and it starts feeling workable.
00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:20.319
So before we talk strategies, let's just take a moment and consider how we think about our kids' resistance.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:26.479
The default interpretation most parents land on when their kid says no potty.
00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:29.680
Most parents think, oh, she's being so difficult.
00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:41.680
And when you believe that, your instinct is then to push harder, to get firmer, and to make it more of a non-negotiable, which almost always ends up making things harder.
00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:44.960
So here's the reframe I suggest you use.
00:02:45.439 --> 00:02:50.159
Potty training is a genuinely big ask for a very small person.
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:58.080
We're asking our kids to experience these new sensations, these new expectations and new routines all at once.
00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:00.560
And they're not something they've asked for.
00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:06.879
And just imagine how hard that is for kids because they love sticking to routines they know.
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:10.719
And giving up diapers is a lot like giving up a beloved blanket.
00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:13.199
It's a security object.
00:03:13.439 --> 00:03:21.919
And when you see it that way, the question shifts from how do I get her to use the potty to how can I support her through this time?
00:03:22.319 --> 00:03:24.560
So getting back to potty resistance.
00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:29.919
When Chelsea's mum asked to speak with me, she was overwhelmed and frustrated.
00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:39.360
Her two and a half year old, who's a really emotionally intelligent, self aware little girl, well she was flatly refusing to use the potty.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:43.039
Well she'd sit on it, happily, but she wouldn't use it.
00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:46.879
And the more her mum encouraged her, the more Chelsea resisted.
00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:50.159
And the more Chelsea resisted, the more her mum encouraged her.
00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:53.120
And they were locked in this classic standoff.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:59.680
Everyone was telling the mum that Chelsea just wasn't ready and perhaps they should back off and try again later.
00:03:59.919 --> 00:04:04.960
When I looked at what was happening with her mum, the issue wasn't really Chelsea's readiness.
00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:07.360
She clearly had the readiness skills.
00:04:07.599 --> 00:04:19.360
The issue was that the potty had become a power struggle, and Chelsea, like most toddlers, will choose control over cooperation every single time when they feel cornered.
00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:22.240
So the solution wasn't to push harder.
00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:28.959
It was to give her more independence, and I'm going to show you exactly how her mom did that in the strategies coming up.
00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:32.079
But first I just want to share a little story about Eli.
00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:42.480
Now Eli is three years old, and I say this with complete affection, but he is one of the most strong willed, stubborn kids I've ever encountered.
00:04:42.720 --> 00:04:46.319
His mum came to me after three weeks of potty training attempts.
00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:48.959
She was exhausted and out of ideas.
00:04:49.279 --> 00:04:56.560
Eli hadn't just resisted the potty, he had refused to even try any aspect of it, not once.
00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:59.439
And here's the part that really tells the story.
00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:02.879
The harder his mum pushed, the more Eli dug in.
00:05:03.199 --> 00:05:10.639
Three weeks of escalating effort had produced zero progress and a lot of stress for everyone.
00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:14.160
Eli wasn't being defiant for the sake of it.
00:05:14.399 --> 00:05:21.279
He was responding to pressure the only way a three year old can, by pushing back with everything he had.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:27.040
What Eli needed wasn't more motivation or more consistency or a sticker chart.
00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:34.319
What Eli needed was for the pressure to just ease up and for something completely different to happen.
00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:38.560
Both Chelsea and Eli reflect something really important.
00:05:39.040 --> 00:05:43.199
When potty training stalls, more pressure rarely works.
00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:45.519
You have to change the approach.
00:05:45.839 --> 00:05:47.759
So let's talk about how.
00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:50.720
The first thing is prompt less.
00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:56.319
Now this surprises most parents that the more you prompt, the more you invite resistance.
00:05:56.800 --> 00:05:59.199
Toddlers push back against pressure.
00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:07.120
Aim to prompt only when your child's showing clear signs of needing to go or at almost every two hours.
00:06:07.360 --> 00:06:08.079
That's it.
00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:12.480
And when you do prompt, make it like an invitation, not a command.
00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:15.839
Hey, I'm wondering if your body's telling you something.
00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:20.639
Well that lands completely differently than go sit on the potty now and try.
00:06:20.879 --> 00:06:24.160
If it feels like a command, most toddlers will dig in.
00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:30.959
If it feels like an invitation from someone on the same team, they're usually not going to knee jerk negatively.
00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:34.560
The next strategy is to give two good choices.
00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:39.920
So when pushback happens, the instinct, again, we've talked about this, is to push harder.
00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:41.519
But here's a better move.
00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:46.160
Give a choice, but not an open ended choice like do you want to use the potty now?
00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:48.560
That's just an invitation to say no.
00:06:48.800 --> 00:06:53.199
Instead, offer two options you're generally happy with either way.
00:06:53.439 --> 00:06:55.199
Both choices have to work for you.
00:06:55.360 --> 00:06:56.800
That's the important thing.
00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:00.959
So choices like potty or toilet, downstairs or upstairs.
00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:04.000
You decide which book you want to read on the potty.
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:12.319
Same goal every time, but your child's getting to be the one who's deciding where he goes, what he brings with them.
00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:17.360
And a toddler who feels in control is a toddler who's going to cooperate.
00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:19.839
This was the turning point for Chelsea.
00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:26.560
When her mom stopped directing and started offering choices, the standoff just dissolved almost immediately.
00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:30.720
Chelsea didn't need to resist anymore because nobody was pushing.
00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:39.920
And the next strategy we're going to talk about, this is probably the most important one, and it's important with any problem you're having with your toddler.
00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:46.720
Play is a toddler's love language, and it is the fastest way through resistance I know.
00:07:46.959 --> 00:07:50.480
When a child is stuck, logic just doesn't work.
00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:56.079
Their logic centers in their brain are just still developing, and pressure just makes it worse.
00:07:56.319 --> 00:08:00.959
But play that's like a side door that works the vast majority of the time.
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:07.600
I bet I can get to the potty before you or the potty is so lonely, will you go sit with it?
00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:09.519
That one works like magic.
00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:11.839
This was the unlock for Eli.
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:19.920
His mum had been so focused on getting him to pee on the potty that everything around the potty became meaningful and loaded.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:28.319
The moment she brought some silliness back into it, a race, a ridiculous voice, a game, Ellie's resistance softened.
00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:31.439
So when you're stuck, use play first.
00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:38.399
The next strategy is to use a routine but habit stack, and let me explain what I mean.
00:08:38.720 --> 00:08:40.799
Toddlers resist the unpredictable.
00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:46.159
So when potty time becomes regular and expected, it stops feeling like a demand.
00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:48.159
It's just what happens next.
00:08:48.399 --> 00:09:02.639
So plan a few routine times when you invite your child to sit on the potty, let's say after meals or before you're going out the door, before bedtime, and these will become routine times for your child to try.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:06.080
And here's a small but powerful addition.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:14.080
When you pair potty time with something your child already loves, let's say, let's go sit on the potty and then we'll read your favorite book.
00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:19.759
Well you're not bribing, you're making the experience itself something worth showing up for.
00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:23.120
Now, if your kids still refuse, don't push.
00:09:23.279 --> 00:09:25.840
Simply say, you know your body the best.
00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:28.879
The potty is right over there when you're ready.
00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:33.440
Keeping it really low pressure keeps training moving forward.
00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:38.480
And here's the thing that Chelsea and Eli both reminded me of.
00:09:38.720 --> 00:09:42.879
Kids don't resist the potty because they're trying to make your life harder.
00:09:43.039 --> 00:09:48.960
They resist because they're trying to hold on to the one thing that feels like theirs right now.
00:09:49.200 --> 00:10:00.879
When you stop fighting for control and start handing it back through choices, through play, through routine, through patience, well most kids will surprise you with how ready they actually are.
00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:13.039
So prompt less, offer choices, lead with play, build the routine, and stack it with something they love, and above all, stay on their team.
00:10:13.360 --> 00:10:18.480
This is something you can implement right now, and you'll see some changes soon.
00:10:18.720 --> 00:10:23.919
Take your time, keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:04.959 --> 00:00:10.320
Her preschool teacher pulled me aside and said, You have to hear what Sloane said today.
00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:20.480
During a diaper change with a red raw rash, this little two-year-old looked up at me and said, I'm strong, I'm brave, I can do hard things.
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:24.160
A two-year-old comforting herself out loud.
00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:32.640
And yet, this same little girl, who's genuinely exceptional at managing her emotions, refused to sit on the potty.
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:36.240
Oh, she'll use it as a chair, but actually use it?
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:37.920
Absolutely not.
00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:47.200
Today I'm going to tell you how her mom overcame this resistance and why the strategies most parents try can make potty pushbacks so much worse.
00:00:47.439 --> 00:00:48.719
Stick with me.
00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:51.280
Welcome to toddler's Made Easy.
00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:57.920
This episode is for every parent who's in the trenches of potty training and wondering what they're doing wrong.
00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:06.319
And it's also for every parent who's just thinking about starting because you're less likely to run into problems if you're prepared for them.
00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:10.319
I'm going to give you some tools today that will make a huge difference.
00:01:10.560 --> 00:01:14.480
I've used these strategies with tens of thousands of families.
00:01:14.640 --> 00:01:22.319
They're research backed, kid forward, and honestly, once you understand the why behind them, they just make sense.
00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:23.920
So let's get into it.
00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:26.879
Potty pushback is normal.
00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:30.640
Most kids will resist at some point during potty training.
00:01:30.799 --> 00:01:36.560
It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, and it doesn't mean your child is particularly defiant.
00:01:36.799 --> 00:01:39.599
And it doesn't even mean you should start over.
00:01:39.840 --> 00:01:45.359
And here's the thing toddlers are hardwired to seek independence.
00:01:45.519 --> 00:01:49.760
It's one of their biggest developmental priorities at this age.
00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:58.239
They're actively, constantly trying to figure out what they can control in a world where most things are decided for them.
00:01:58.480 --> 00:02:04.079
And one of the places they discover they have control is when and where they pee and poop.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:12.560
I know, not ideal, but once you understand that, the pushback stops feeling personal and it starts feeling workable.
00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:20.319
So before we talk strategies, let's just take a moment and consider how we think about our kids' resistance.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:26.479
The default interpretation most parents land on when their kid says no potty.
00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:29.680
Most parents think, oh, she's being so difficult.
00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:41.680
And when you believe that, your instinct is then to push harder, to get firmer, and to make it more of a non-negotiable, which almost always ends up making things harder.
00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:44.960
So here's the reframe I suggest you use.
00:02:45.439 --> 00:02:50.159
Potty training is a genuinely big ask for a very small person.
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:58.080
We're asking our kids to experience these new sensations, these new expectations and new routines all at once.
00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:00.560
And they're not something they've asked for.
00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:06.879
And just imagine how hard that is for kids because they love sticking to routines they know.
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:10.719
And giving up diapers is a lot like giving up a beloved blanket.
00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:13.199
It's a security object.
00:03:13.439 --> 00:03:21.919
And when you see it that way, the question shifts from how do I get her to use the potty to how can I support her through this time?
00:03:22.319 --> 00:03:24.560
So getting back to potty resistance.
00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:29.919
When Chelsea's mum asked to speak with me, she was overwhelmed and frustrated.
00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:39.360
Her two and a half year old, who's a really emotionally intelligent, self aware little girl, well she was flatly refusing to use the potty.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:43.039
Well she'd sit on it, happily, but she wouldn't use it.
00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:46.879
And the more her mum encouraged her, the more Chelsea resisted.
00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:50.159
And the more Chelsea resisted, the more her mum encouraged her.
00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:53.120
And they were locked in this classic standoff.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:59.680
Everyone was telling the mum that Chelsea just wasn't ready and perhaps they should back off and try again later.
00:03:59.919 --> 00:04:04.960
When I looked at what was happening with her mum, the issue wasn't really Chelsea's readiness.
00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:07.360
She clearly had the readiness skills.
00:04:07.599 --> 00:04:19.360
The issue was that the potty had become a power struggle, and Chelsea, like most toddlers, will choose control over cooperation every single time when they feel cornered.
00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:22.240
So the solution wasn't to push harder.
00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:28.959
It was to give her more independence, and I'm going to show you exactly how her mom did that in the strategies coming up.
00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:32.079
But first I just want to share a little story about Eli.
00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:42.480
Now Eli is three years old, and I say this with complete affection, but he is one of the most strong willed, stubborn kids I've ever encountered.
00:04:42.720 --> 00:04:46.319
His mum came to me after three weeks of potty training attempts.
00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:48.959
She was exhausted and out of ideas.
00:04:49.279 --> 00:04:56.560
Eli hadn't just resisted the potty, he had refused to even try any aspect of it, not once.
00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:59.439
And here's the part that really tells the story.
00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:02.879
The harder his mum pushed, the more Eli dug in.
00:05:03.199 --> 00:05:10.639
Three weeks of escalating effort had produced zero progress and a lot of stress for everyone.
00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:14.160
Eli wasn't being defiant for the sake of it.
00:05:14.399 --> 00:05:21.279
He was responding to pressure the only way a three year old can, by pushing back with everything he had.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:27.040
What Eli needed wasn't more motivation or more consistency or a sticker chart.
00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:34.319
What Eli needed was for the pressure to just ease up and for something completely different to happen.
00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:38.560
Both Chelsea and Eli reflect something really important.
00:05:39.040 --> 00:05:43.199
When potty training stalls, more pressure rarely works.
00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:45.519
You have to change the approach.
00:05:45.839 --> 00:05:47.759
So let's talk about how.
00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:50.720
The first thing is prompt less.
00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:56.319
Now this surprises most parents that the more you prompt, the more you invite resistance.
00:05:56.800 --> 00:05:59.199
Toddlers push back against pressure.
00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:07.120
Aim to prompt only when your child's showing clear signs of needing to go or at almost every two hours.
00:06:07.360 --> 00:06:08.079
That's it.
00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:12.480
And when you do prompt, make it like an invitation, not a command.
00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:15.839
Hey, I'm wondering if your body's telling you something.
00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:20.639
Well that lands completely differently than go sit on the potty now and try.
00:06:20.879 --> 00:06:24.160
If it feels like a command, most toddlers will dig in.
00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:30.959
If it feels like an invitation from someone on the same team, they're usually not going to knee jerk negatively.
00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:34.560
The next strategy is to give two good choices.
00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:39.920
So when pushback happens, the instinct, again, we've talked about this, is to push harder.
00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:41.519
But here's a better move.
00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:46.160
Give a choice, but not an open ended choice like do you want to use the potty now?
00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:48.560
That's just an invitation to say no.
00:06:48.800 --> 00:06:53.199
Instead, offer two options you're generally happy with either way.
00:06:53.439 --> 00:06:55.199
Both choices have to work for you.
00:06:55.360 --> 00:06:56.800
That's the important thing.
00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:00.959
So choices like potty or toilet, downstairs or upstairs.
00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:04.000
You decide which book you want to read on the potty.
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:12.319
Same goal every time, but your child's getting to be the one who's deciding where he goes, what he brings with them.
00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:17.360
And a toddler who feels in control is a toddler who's going to cooperate.
00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:19.839
This was the turning point for Chelsea.
00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:26.560
When her mom stopped directing and started offering choices, the standoff just dissolved almost immediately.
00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:30.720
Chelsea didn't need to resist anymore because nobody was pushing.
00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:39.920
And the next strategy we're going to talk about, this is probably the most important one, and it's important with any problem you're having with your toddler.
00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:46.720
Play is a toddler's love language, and it is the fastest way through resistance I know.
00:07:46.959 --> 00:07:50.480
When a child is stuck, logic just doesn't work.
00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:56.079
Their logic centers in their brain are just still developing, and pressure just makes it worse.
00:07:56.319 --> 00:08:00.959
But play that's like a side door that works the vast majority of the time.
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:07.600
I bet I can get to the potty before you or the potty is so lonely, will you go sit with it?
00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:09.519
That one works like magic.
00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:11.839
This was the unlock for Eli.
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:19.920
His mum had been so focused on getting him to pee on the potty that everything around the potty became meaningful and loaded.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:28.319
The moment she brought some silliness back into it, a race, a ridiculous voice, a game, Ellie's resistance softened.
00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:31.439
So when you're stuck, use play first.
00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:38.399
The next strategy is to use a routine but habit stack, and let me explain what I mean.
00:08:38.720 --> 00:08:40.799
Toddlers resist the unpredictable.
00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:46.159
So when potty time becomes regular and expected, it stops feeling like a demand.
00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:48.159
It's just what happens next.
00:08:48.399 --> 00:09:02.639
So plan a few routine times when you invite your child to sit on the potty, let's say after meals or before you're going out the door, before bedtime, and these will become routine times for your child to try.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:06.080
And here's a small but powerful addition.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:14.080
When you pair potty time with something your child already loves, let's say, let's go sit on the potty and then we'll read your favorite book.
00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:19.759
Well you're not bribing, you're making the experience itself something worth showing up for.
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Now, if your kids still refuse, don't push.
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Simply say, you know your body the best.
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The potty is right over there when you're ready.
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Keeping it really low pressure keeps training moving forward.
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And here's the thing that Chelsea and Eli both reminded me of.
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Kids don't resist the potty because they're trying to make your life harder.
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They resist because they're trying to hold on to the one thing that feels like theirs right now.
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When you stop fighting for control and start handing it back through choices, through play, through routine, through patience, well most kids will surprise you with how ready they actually are.
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So prompt less, offer choices, lead with play, build the routine, and stack it with something they love, and above all, stay on their team.
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This is something you can implement right now, and you'll see some changes soon.
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Take your time, keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
