WEBVTT
00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:07.519
Welcome to toddler's Made Easy.
00:00:07.679 --> 00:00:08.320
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:12.480
Catherine, pediatrician, Mama 4, and your host.
00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:14.720
Today I want to ask you something.
00:00:14.960 --> 00:00:20.640
Have you ever looked at your child in the middle of a tantrum and thought, what is wrong with this child?
00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:23.600
Or worse, what's wrong with me?
00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:26.079
If you have, you're not alone.
00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:33.359
And honestly, I think a lot of parenting gets easier when we stop asking those questions altogether.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:39.679
Because the way you interpret your child's behavior changes everything that comes next.
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:41.439
Stay with me for a moment.
00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.000
Are you planning on potty training soon?
00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:49.439
Most parents go into potty training hoping it will feel simple and natural.
00:00:49.600 --> 00:00:56.960
Then suddenly they're negotiating with a tiny person about sitting on the potty while everybody gets more stressed by the hour.
00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:06.799
Now, if you want some help potty training without constant pressure or bribing or shame or daily battles, I've put together a free workshop for you.
00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:16.239
I'll walk you through what actually makes potty training go more smoothly and how to avoid the most common mistakes and what to do when things go sideways.
00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:18.879
You can sign up at the link in the show notes.
00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:25.120
Now picture this you're at the park, everything's fine, and then it's time to go.
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:35.280
Your little one grabs a truck from the sandbox and yells My truck and you remind him gently that it belongs to another child, and then everything falls apart.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:40.640
Sand is flying, there's crying, your child's arching backwards and people are staring.
00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:48.480
Now you're carrying a screaming, limp toddler across the playground thinking, why can't he just listen?
00:01:48.879 --> 00:01:52.159
So here's the reframe that makes all the difference.
00:01:52.480 --> 00:01:55.040
Your child isn't trying to ruin your day.
00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:57.760
He's having a hard time himself.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:01.280
Leaving that trek behind doesn't feel small to him.
00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:07.519
His brain can't yet manage the flood of disappointment that comes with hearing the word no.
00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:11.280
And when we understand that, our responses change.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:14.479
One dad I know handled this beautifully recently.
00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:16.719
Instead of snapping, he paused.
00:02:16.960 --> 00:02:21.680
He realized his son wasn't trying to be difficult, he was struggling himself.
00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:25.520
Ownership is a little fuzzy concept at the age of three.
00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:32.479
So he knelt down and he said, That toy needs to stay here, sweetheart, but we'll visit the toys again tomorrow.
00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:34.560
I know that's really disappointing.
00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:41.280
And then he picked up his little guy, who was still crying, and he managed not to lose his own cool.
00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:50.560
Not because the tears magically stopped, but because his son needed help getting through the moment, not punishment for having feelings about it.
00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:53.599
And that's what big hearted parenting is all about.
00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:59.280
He didn't see a problem to correct, he saw a little person who needed support.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:01.439
That's the heart of everything.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:06.639
The way we interpret behavior shapes every response that follows.
00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:10.960
If you see your child as manipulative, you become defensive.
00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:14.879
If you see your child as overwhelmed, you become curious.
00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:19.280
If you see resistance as disrespect, you move towards punishment.
00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:24.400
And if you see resistance as a skill gap, you move towards teaching.
00:03:24.560 --> 00:03:26.639
And here's what's really interesting.
00:03:26.879 --> 00:03:34.560
When you stop interpreting your child as intentionally being difficult, it becomes so much easier to stay grounded.
00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:38.000
Not perfectly calm all the time, let's be realistic.
00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:44.960
Just less personally threatened by the behavior, or maybe personally irritated by the behavior.
00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:52.639
Because now you're responding to what's actually happening instead of reacting to the story your brain created in the moment.
00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:55.840
This doesn't mean there are no limits, far from it.
00:03:56.080 --> 00:03:58.800
It doesn't mean children get to do whatever they want.
00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:02.479
It means we understand first and we guide them.
00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:05.360
Now let's talk about something I see constantly.
00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:08.159
I call it the expectation trap.
00:04:08.400 --> 00:04:17.120
It's the belief that if we explain something clearly enough, our child will immediately cooperate, that logic alone should be enough.
00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:26.000
But toddlers don't have the brain skills yet to manage their impulses, their frustration, waiting, flexibility, or disappointment.
00:04:26.319 --> 00:04:32.959
So yes, your child may understand the rules and still completely falls apart trying to follow them.
00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:37.600
That's why so many parents end up thinking, but I just told you.
00:04:37.920 --> 00:04:39.120
You're not failing.
00:04:39.279 --> 00:04:42.639
You're running into the normal limits of toddler development.
00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:47.920
And once you see that clearly, you stop taking so much of their behavior personally.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:54.160
I once worked with a family whose daycare was threatening to remove their child because of aggressive behavior.
00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:56.480
The parents were mortified.
00:04:56.720 --> 00:05:02.720
Every day became a cycle of warnings, consequences, guilt, and even a little panic.
00:05:02.959 --> 00:05:10.879
But underneath the hitting and throwing was a child who was just overwhelmed, sensitive, and struggling with transitions.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:15.199
He wasn't waking up each morning planning to make everyone's life harder.
00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:17.279
He was missing some skills.
00:05:17.600 --> 00:05:33.040
So instead of focusing only on stopping the behavior, we started helping him through the moments that triggered it, and teaching him those missing skills, like something simple as asking can I have a turn or can I play with you?
00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:43.040
With more preparation, more connection, a little bit more co-regulation, clearer boundaries, and slowly things changed.
00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:52.879
Not overnight, but enough that the parent stopped seeing him as a difficult child and started seeing a little nervous system asking for help.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:58.800
That shift changed the way they responded to him, and eventually the behavior changed.
00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:01.920
Your child does not need a perfect parent.
00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:09.120
They need someone willing to understand what's underneath the behavior and keep practicing alongside them.
00:06:09.439 --> 00:06:11.759
That's the work of parenting.
00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:28.480
And honestly, this mindset becomes especially important during things like potty training, because accidents, resistance, and setbacks tend to go much more smoothly when we stop interpreting these behaviors as defiance or failure.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:34.319
And that's exactly why I created the free potty training workshop I mentioned earlier.
00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:43.920
So if you want some practical tools for handling those messy moments without turning potty training into a battle, you can sign up in the show notes below.
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:47.680
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:07.519
Welcome to toddler's Made Easy.
00:00:07.679 --> 00:00:08.320
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:12.480
Catherine, pediatrician, Mama 4, and your host.
00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:14.720
Today I want to ask you something.
00:00:14.960 --> 00:00:20.640
Have you ever looked at your child in the middle of a tantrum and thought, what is wrong with this child?
00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:23.600
Or worse, what's wrong with me?
00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:26.079
If you have, you're not alone.
00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:33.359
And honestly, I think a lot of parenting gets easier when we stop asking those questions altogether.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:39.679
Because the way you interpret your child's behavior changes everything that comes next.
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:41.439
Stay with me for a moment.
00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.000
Are you planning on potty training soon?
00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:49.439
Most parents go into potty training hoping it will feel simple and natural.
00:00:49.600 --> 00:00:56.960
Then suddenly they're negotiating with a tiny person about sitting on the potty while everybody gets more stressed by the hour.
00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:06.799
Now, if you want some help potty training without constant pressure or bribing or shame or daily battles, I've put together a free workshop for you.
00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:16.239
I'll walk you through what actually makes potty training go more smoothly and how to avoid the most common mistakes and what to do when things go sideways.
00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:18.879
You can sign up at the link in the show notes.
00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:25.120
Now picture this you're at the park, everything's fine, and then it's time to go.
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:35.280
Your little one grabs a truck from the sandbox and yells My truck and you remind him gently that it belongs to another child, and then everything falls apart.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:40.640
Sand is flying, there's crying, your child's arching backwards and people are staring.
00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:48.480
Now you're carrying a screaming, limp toddler across the playground thinking, why can't he just listen?
00:01:48.879 --> 00:01:52.159
So here's the reframe that makes all the difference.
00:01:52.480 --> 00:01:55.040
Your child isn't trying to ruin your day.
00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:57.760
He's having a hard time himself.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:01.280
Leaving that trek behind doesn't feel small to him.
00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:07.519
His brain can't yet manage the flood of disappointment that comes with hearing the word no.
00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:11.280
And when we understand that, our responses change.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:14.479
One dad I know handled this beautifully recently.
00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:16.719
Instead of snapping, he paused.
00:02:16.960 --> 00:02:21.680
He realized his son wasn't trying to be difficult, he was struggling himself.
00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:25.520
Ownership is a little fuzzy concept at the age of three.
00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:32.479
So he knelt down and he said, That toy needs to stay here, sweetheart, but we'll visit the toys again tomorrow.
00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:34.560
I know that's really disappointing.
00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:41.280
And then he picked up his little guy, who was still crying, and he managed not to lose his own cool.
00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:50.560
Not because the tears magically stopped, but because his son needed help getting through the moment, not punishment for having feelings about it.
00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:53.599
And that's what big hearted parenting is all about.
00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:59.280
He didn't see a problem to correct, he saw a little person who needed support.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:01.439
That's the heart of everything.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:06.639
The way we interpret behavior shapes every response that follows.
00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:10.960
If you see your child as manipulative, you become defensive.
00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:14.879
If you see your child as overwhelmed, you become curious.
00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:19.280
If you see resistance as disrespect, you move towards punishment.
00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:24.400
And if you see resistance as a skill gap, you move towards teaching.
00:03:24.560 --> 00:03:26.639
And here's what's really interesting.
00:03:26.879 --> 00:03:34.560
When you stop interpreting your child as intentionally being difficult, it becomes so much easier to stay grounded.
00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:38.000
Not perfectly calm all the time, let's be realistic.
00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:44.960
Just less personally threatened by the behavior, or maybe personally irritated by the behavior.
00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:52.639
Because now you're responding to what's actually happening instead of reacting to the story your brain created in the moment.
00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:55.840
This doesn't mean there are no limits, far from it.
00:03:56.080 --> 00:03:58.800
It doesn't mean children get to do whatever they want.
00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:02.479
It means we understand first and we guide them.
00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:05.360
Now let's talk about something I see constantly.
00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:08.159
I call it the expectation trap.
00:04:08.400 --> 00:04:17.120
It's the belief that if we explain something clearly enough, our child will immediately cooperate, that logic alone should be enough.
00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:26.000
But toddlers don't have the brain skills yet to manage their impulses, their frustration, waiting, flexibility, or disappointment.
00:04:26.319 --> 00:04:32.959
So yes, your child may understand the rules and still completely falls apart trying to follow them.
00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:37.600
That's why so many parents end up thinking, but I just told you.
00:04:37.920 --> 00:04:39.120
You're not failing.
00:04:39.279 --> 00:04:42.639
You're running into the normal limits of toddler development.
00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:47.920
And once you see that clearly, you stop taking so much of their behavior personally.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:54.160
I once worked with a family whose daycare was threatening to remove their child because of aggressive behavior.
00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:56.480
The parents were mortified.
00:04:56.720 --> 00:05:02.720
Every day became a cycle of warnings, consequences, guilt, and even a little panic.
00:05:02.959 --> 00:05:10.879
But underneath the hitting and throwing was a child who was just overwhelmed, sensitive, and struggling with transitions.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:15.199
He wasn't waking up each morning planning to make everyone's life harder.
00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:17.279
He was missing some skills.
00:05:17.600 --> 00:05:33.040
So instead of focusing only on stopping the behavior, we started helping him through the moments that triggered it, and teaching him those missing skills, like something simple as asking can I have a turn or can I play with you?
00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:43.040
With more preparation, more connection, a little bit more co-regulation, clearer boundaries, and slowly things changed.
00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:52.879
Not overnight, but enough that the parent stopped seeing him as a difficult child and started seeing a little nervous system asking for help.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:58.800
That shift changed the way they responded to him, and eventually the behavior changed.
00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:01.920
Your child does not need a perfect parent.
00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:09.120
They need someone willing to understand what's underneath the behavior and keep practicing alongside them.
00:06:09.439 --> 00:06:11.759
That's the work of parenting.
00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:28.480
And honestly, this mindset becomes especially important during things like potty training, because accidents, resistance, and setbacks tend to go much more smoothly when we stop interpreting these behaviors as defiance or failure.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:34.319
And that's exactly why I created the free potty training workshop I mentioned earlier.
00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:43.920
So if you want some practical tools for handling those messy moments without turning potty training into a battle, you can sign up in the show notes below.
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:47.680
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
