WEBVTT
00:00:04.799 --> 00:00:07.120
Welcome to toddlers made easy.
00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:07.839
I'm Dr.
00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:09.439
Catherine, your host.
00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:13.919
I want to start today with something a mom said to me that really bothered me.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:17.199
She was at her daughter's three-year-old well visit.
00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:18.640
Routine appointment.
00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:22.480
We did her height and weight and development, and everything looked great.
00:00:22.640 --> 00:00:25.519
And at the end, as always, I asked about body training.
00:00:25.679 --> 00:00:28.160
And she answered that body training was finally done.
00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:29.600
And I said, How to go.
00:00:29.839 --> 00:00:33.439
She got quiet for a second, and then she said, I'm so glad it's over.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:36.640
But honestly, I'm not really proud of how it went.
00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:40.399
There was a lot of yelling and more consequences than I wanted.
00:00:40.640 --> 00:00:42.719
I just didn't know any other way.
00:00:42.960 --> 00:00:46.479
And she felt kind of guilty when she was trying to move on.
00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:57.200
But when I drove home that night, I couldn't stop thinking about what she said, because if she felt bad about how it went, I can just imagine her child probably felt bad too.
00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:05.120
Kids know when they've disappointed us and they feel the frustration and the tension and the pressure, even if we're trying our best to hide it.
00:01:05.359 --> 00:01:08.719
And I kept hearing the same story in my office after that.
00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:23.599
Parents yelling or pushing more than they wanted to during potty training, children digging in and refusing to sit on the potty, children holding back their poops and ending up constipated, families who eventually got through it, but at a cost.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:28.640
And that's why I created what I call the big hearted approach to potty training.
00:01:28.719 --> 00:01:30.959
And that's what we're going to talk about today.
00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:35.280
Now before I get into the principles, I want to point out something important.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:37.840
That mum wasn't a bad parent.
00:01:38.079 --> 00:01:44.799
In fact, most of the parents who told me similar stories were loving, thoughtful, totally devoted parents.
00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:47.359
They weren't yelling because they didn't care.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:49.920
They were yelling because they cared so much.
00:01:50.079 --> 00:01:55.920
And they were kind of frustrated and didn't know what else to do, how to turn the situation around.
00:01:56.159 --> 00:02:02.239
They're also worried about not meeting preschool deadlines, worried they'd somehow missed the right time.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:07.359
So they did what most of us do when something feels stuck, and they pushed harder.
00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:10.960
More reminders, more prompting, more pressure.
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:14.000
And that's when things started to unravel.
00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:18.080
The problem wasn't the parents, and the problem wasn't the child.
00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:20.159
The problem was the method.
00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:24.240
Most potty training advice focuses on one question.
00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:27.599
How do I get my child to pee and poop on the potty?
00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:34.719
And that's a good question, but it's a parent's question, and it completely misses the child's experience.
00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:37.599
Think about it from your child's perspective.
00:02:37.840 --> 00:02:46.560
A diaper is familiar, it's comfortable, it's been there since the day they were born, and now we're asking them to give it up for what?
00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:50.560
From their perspective, there isn't an obvious benefit.
00:02:50.879 --> 00:03:02.800
Potty training isn't just about ditching diapers, it's about helping a child notice what's happening inside their body, to trust those signals, and then to act on them independently.
00:03:03.120 --> 00:03:08.400
When we focus only on the outcome ditching diapers, we often create resistance.
00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:13.039
But when we focus on the process, kids begin to take ownership.
00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:16.719
And that's really the foundation of the big hearted approach.
00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:21.520
And it starts with this first principle nudge, don't push.
00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:25.360
I think about a mum named Jane and her daughter Millie.
00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:30.080
Jane had been potty training for months and things were only getting harder.
00:03:30.319 --> 00:03:38.560
Millie would sit on the potty when asked, but the problem was Jane had to ask and ask and ask, sometimes ten times.
00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:45.039
Then Millie would finally sit down, hop right back up, and pee on the floor a few minutes later.
00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:47.039
Everyone was so frustrated.
00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:52.240
And at that point Jane, her mom, made a decision that felt almost impossible.
00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:55.439
She was going to pause potty training for a few weeks.
00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:01.199
And she did that, and when she came back to it, she decided to try something different.
00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:08.639
And that brings us to the second principle of the big hearted approach, and that is build body awareness.
00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:16.079
Instead of constantly reminding Millie to sit on the potty, Jane focused on helping her notice her body signals.
00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:18.480
She stopped saying go sit on the potty.
00:04:18.720 --> 00:04:24.000
Instead she'd say, When you get that I need to pee feeling, go sit on the potty.
00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:26.800
And then she'd point and say, It's right over there.
00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:30.560
Now that's a small change, but it's a really powerful one.
00:04:30.879 --> 00:04:36.079
The focus shifts away from what mum wants and towards what Millie is experiencing.
00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:39.279
And when accidents happen, Jane stayed calm.
00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:43.199
She'd simply say, Oops, accidents happen, no biggie sweetheart.
00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:49.439
Next time you get that I need to pee feeling, and again she'd point and say the potty is right over there.
00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:54.720
You see, no lectures, no pressure, just information and encouragement.
00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:57.439
Which brings me to the third principle.
00:04:57.759 --> 00:04:59.360
Let your kids lead.
00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:04.560
Millie was a child who knew exactly what she wanted and what she didn't want.
00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:09.519
Some people might have called her strong willed, but her mom tried not to label her.
00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:17.759
She simply recognized that Millie liked having ownership over her decisions, and the more ownership she had, the better things went.
00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:22.800
And as the pressure came down, Millie started paying attention to her body signals.
00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:35.360
She started choosing to use the potty on her own, without reminders, no negotiations, no power struggles, because now it was starting to be her success, not something people were making her do.
00:05:35.519 --> 00:05:40.879
And that connects directly to the fourth principle, and that's drop the deadline.
00:05:41.199 --> 00:05:50.879
One reason Jane was willing to slow down was that she'd been through potty training before with her older son, and he developed constipation during the process.
00:05:51.040 --> 00:05:59.759
And what started as potty training turned into months of medication, doctor visits, and worry before things finally settled down.
00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:04.240
Unfortunately, that's something I saw all the time in my practice.
00:06:04.480 --> 00:06:09.120
Kids feel pressure, they begin holding their stool, their stool gets larger and harder.
00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:17.839
Going to the bathroom becomes painful, so they hold even more, and suddenly what started as a milestone becomes a medical issue.
00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:22.000
And this is totally preventable, well mostly preventable.
00:06:22.319 --> 00:06:31.199
When we stop treating potty training like a race, children have room to breathe, room to learn, room to make mistakes, room to figure things out.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:33.920
And that leads to the fifth principle.
00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.240
Be your kids' biggest fan.
00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:40.079
Kids will rise to the level of what we believe about them.
00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:46.079
When we notice effort instead of focusing only on results, children keep going.
00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:53.120
So I'm not suggesting you give fake praise and no over the top celebrations, just genuine encouragement.
00:06:53.360 --> 00:06:55.519
I saw you listen to your body, good work.
00:06:55.759 --> 00:06:59.360
I noticed you stopped playing and headed toward the potty, good work.
00:06:59.839 --> 00:07:01.199
Those moments matter.
00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:04.800
They build confidence and they build enthusiasm.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:09.680
And those qualities is what carries children across the finish line.
00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:12.959
Now here's what can happen when we skip all of this.
00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:15.519
Some kids dig in their heels completely.
00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:18.879
What started as potty training becomes a power struggle.
00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:24.399
Others develop anxiety around pooping, and some begin with holding and end up constipated.
00:07:24.560 --> 00:07:29.519
And many families find themselves trapped in a cycle of frustration and guilt.
00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:33.600
And that's what stayed with me about that mom from my office.
00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:38.720
Not that potty training was so hard because most parenting challenges are really hard.
00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:41.040
What stayed with me was her regret.
00:07:41.279 --> 00:07:44.480
I'm glad it's over, but I'm not proud of how it went.
00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:48.160
And that's why I created this approach to potty training.
00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:52.000
Because potty training isn't just about getting out of diapers.
00:07:52.160 --> 00:07:58.160
It's about helping a child learn a new skill while protecting the relationship that matters most.
00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:13.279
And after forty years in pediatrics, I've worked with thousands of families, families with twins, strong-minded kids, shy kids, kids with developmental delays, single parents, grandparents helping raise their grandchildren.
00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:17.600
I've seen every version of potty training struggles you can imagine.
00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:24.160
And what I've learned is this children do better when they feel supported than when they feel pressured.
00:08:24.399 --> 00:08:27.439
There is a calmer way through this that works.
00:08:27.600 --> 00:08:32.159
And it starts by remembering that your child isn't trying to give you a hard time.
00:08:32.480 --> 00:08:35.440
Potty training is giving them a hard time.
00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:40.320
And if this resonated with you, I'd love to invite you to my free workshop.
00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:43.200
It's called potty without pushback.
00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:55.440
I'll walk you through a big-hearted approach, what to do when your child resists, how to build body awareness, and how to move through potty training without the battles, the pressure, and the guilt.
00:08:55.679 --> 00:08:59.519
You'll find the link in the show notes, and I'd love to see you there.
00:08:59.759 --> 00:09:05.679
If you know another parent who's in the thick of potty training right now, go ahead and share this episode with them.
00:09:05.840 --> 00:09:08.399
It might be exactly what they need to hear.
00:09:08.639 --> 00:09:11.919
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:04.799 --> 00:00:07.120
Welcome to toddlers made easy.
00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:07.839
I'm Dr.
00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:09.439
Catherine, your host.
00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:13.919
I want to start today with something a mom said to me that really bothered me.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:17.199
She was at her daughter's three-year-old well visit.
00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:18.640
Routine appointment.
00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:22.480
We did her height and weight and development, and everything looked great.
00:00:22.640 --> 00:00:25.519
And at the end, as always, I asked about body training.
00:00:25.679 --> 00:00:28.160
And she answered that body training was finally done.
00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:29.600
And I said, How to go.
00:00:29.839 --> 00:00:33.439
She got quiet for a second, and then she said, I'm so glad it's over.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:36.640
But honestly, I'm not really proud of how it went.
00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:40.399
There was a lot of yelling and more consequences than I wanted.
00:00:40.640 --> 00:00:42.719
I just didn't know any other way.
00:00:42.960 --> 00:00:46.479
And she felt kind of guilty when she was trying to move on.
00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:57.200
But when I drove home that night, I couldn't stop thinking about what she said, because if she felt bad about how it went, I can just imagine her child probably felt bad too.
00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:05.120
Kids know when they've disappointed us and they feel the frustration and the tension and the pressure, even if we're trying our best to hide it.
00:01:05.359 --> 00:01:08.719
And I kept hearing the same story in my office after that.
00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:23.599
Parents yelling or pushing more than they wanted to during potty training, children digging in and refusing to sit on the potty, children holding back their poops and ending up constipated, families who eventually got through it, but at a cost.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:28.640
And that's why I created what I call the big hearted approach to potty training.
00:01:28.719 --> 00:01:30.959
And that's what we're going to talk about today.
00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:35.280
Now before I get into the principles, I want to point out something important.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:37.840
That mum wasn't a bad parent.
00:01:38.079 --> 00:01:44.799
In fact, most of the parents who told me similar stories were loving, thoughtful, totally devoted parents.
00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:47.359
They weren't yelling because they didn't care.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:49.920
They were yelling because they cared so much.
00:01:50.079 --> 00:01:55.920
And they were kind of frustrated and didn't know what else to do, how to turn the situation around.
00:01:56.159 --> 00:02:02.239
They're also worried about not meeting preschool deadlines, worried they'd somehow missed the right time.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:07.359
So they did what most of us do when something feels stuck, and they pushed harder.
00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:10.960
More reminders, more prompting, more pressure.
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:14.000
And that's when things started to unravel.
00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:18.080
The problem wasn't the parents, and the problem wasn't the child.
00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:20.159
The problem was the method.
00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:24.240
Most potty training advice focuses on one question.
00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:27.599
How do I get my child to pee and poop on the potty?
00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:34.719
And that's a good question, but it's a parent's question, and it completely misses the child's experience.
00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:37.599
Think about it from your child's perspective.
00:02:37.840 --> 00:02:46.560
A diaper is familiar, it's comfortable, it's been there since the day they were born, and now we're asking them to give it up for what?
00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:50.560
From their perspective, there isn't an obvious benefit.
00:02:50.879 --> 00:03:02.800
Potty training isn't just about ditching diapers, it's about helping a child notice what's happening inside their body, to trust those signals, and then to act on them independently.
00:03:03.120 --> 00:03:08.400
When we focus only on the outcome ditching diapers, we often create resistance.
00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:13.039
But when we focus on the process, kids begin to take ownership.
00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:16.719
And that's really the foundation of the big hearted approach.
00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:21.520
And it starts with this first principle nudge, don't push.
00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:25.360
I think about a mum named Jane and her daughter Millie.
00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:30.080
Jane had been potty training for months and things were only getting harder.
00:03:30.319 --> 00:03:38.560
Millie would sit on the potty when asked, but the problem was Jane had to ask and ask and ask, sometimes ten times.
00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:45.039
Then Millie would finally sit down, hop right back up, and pee on the floor a few minutes later.
00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:47.039
Everyone was so frustrated.
00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:52.240
And at that point Jane, her mom, made a decision that felt almost impossible.
00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:55.439
She was going to pause potty training for a few weeks.
00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:01.199
And she did that, and when she came back to it, she decided to try something different.
00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:08.639
And that brings us to the second principle of the big hearted approach, and that is build body awareness.
00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:16.079
Instead of constantly reminding Millie to sit on the potty, Jane focused on helping her notice her body signals.
00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:18.480
She stopped saying go sit on the potty.
00:04:18.720 --> 00:04:24.000
Instead she'd say, When you get that I need to pee feeling, go sit on the potty.
00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:26.800
And then she'd point and say, It's right over there.
00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:30.560
Now that's a small change, but it's a really powerful one.
00:04:30.879 --> 00:04:36.079
The focus shifts away from what mum wants and towards what Millie is experiencing.
00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:39.279
And when accidents happen, Jane stayed calm.
00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:43.199
She'd simply say, Oops, accidents happen, no biggie sweetheart.
00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:49.439
Next time you get that I need to pee feeling, and again she'd point and say the potty is right over there.
00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:54.720
You see, no lectures, no pressure, just information and encouragement.
00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:57.439
Which brings me to the third principle.
00:04:57.759 --> 00:04:59.360
Let your kids lead.
00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:04.560
Millie was a child who knew exactly what she wanted and what she didn't want.
00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:09.519
Some people might have called her strong willed, but her mom tried not to label her.
00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:17.759
She simply recognized that Millie liked having ownership over her decisions, and the more ownership she had, the better things went.
00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:22.800
And as the pressure came down, Millie started paying attention to her body signals.
00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:35.360
She started choosing to use the potty on her own, without reminders, no negotiations, no power struggles, because now it was starting to be her success, not something people were making her do.
00:05:35.519 --> 00:05:40.879
And that connects directly to the fourth principle, and that's drop the deadline.
00:05:41.199 --> 00:05:50.879
One reason Jane was willing to slow down was that she'd been through potty training before with her older son, and he developed constipation during the process.
00:05:51.040 --> 00:05:59.759
And what started as potty training turned into months of medication, doctor visits, and worry before things finally settled down.
00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:04.240
Unfortunately, that's something I saw all the time in my practice.
00:06:04.480 --> 00:06:09.120
Kids feel pressure, they begin holding their stool, their stool gets larger and harder.
00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:17.839
Going to the bathroom becomes painful, so they hold even more, and suddenly what started as a milestone becomes a medical issue.
00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:22.000
And this is totally preventable, well mostly preventable.
00:06:22.319 --> 00:06:31.199
When we stop treating potty training like a race, children have room to breathe, room to learn, room to make mistakes, room to figure things out.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:33.920
And that leads to the fifth principle.
00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.240
Be your kids' biggest fan.
00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:40.079
Kids will rise to the level of what we believe about them.
00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:46.079
When we notice effort instead of focusing only on results, children keep going.
00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:53.120
So I'm not suggesting you give fake praise and no over the top celebrations, just genuine encouragement.
00:06:53.360 --> 00:06:55.519
I saw you listen to your body, good work.
00:06:55.759 --> 00:06:59.360
I noticed you stopped playing and headed toward the potty, good work.
00:06:59.839 --> 00:07:01.199
Those moments matter.
00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:04.800
They build confidence and they build enthusiasm.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:09.680
And those qualities is what carries children across the finish line.
00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:12.959
Now here's what can happen when we skip all of this.
00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:15.519
Some kids dig in their heels completely.
00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:18.879
What started as potty training becomes a power struggle.
00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:24.399
Others develop anxiety around pooping, and some begin with holding and end up constipated.
00:07:24.560 --> 00:07:29.519
And many families find themselves trapped in a cycle of frustration and guilt.
00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:33.600
And that's what stayed with me about that mom from my office.
00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:38.720
Not that potty training was so hard because most parenting challenges are really hard.
00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:41.040
What stayed with me was her regret.
00:07:41.279 --> 00:07:44.480
I'm glad it's over, but I'm not proud of how it went.
00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:48.160
And that's why I created this approach to potty training.
00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:52.000
Because potty training isn't just about getting out of diapers.
00:07:52.160 --> 00:07:58.160
It's about helping a child learn a new skill while protecting the relationship that matters most.
00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:13.279
And after forty years in pediatrics, I've worked with thousands of families, families with twins, strong-minded kids, shy kids, kids with developmental delays, single parents, grandparents helping raise their grandchildren.
00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:17.600
I've seen every version of potty training struggles you can imagine.
00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:24.160
And what I've learned is this children do better when they feel supported than when they feel pressured.
00:08:24.399 --> 00:08:27.439
There is a calmer way through this that works.
00:08:27.600 --> 00:08:32.159
And it starts by remembering that your child isn't trying to give you a hard time.
00:08:32.480 --> 00:08:35.440
Potty training is giving them a hard time.
00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:40.320
And if this resonated with you, I'd love to invite you to my free workshop.
00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:43.200
It's called potty without pushback.
00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:55.440
I'll walk you through a big-hearted approach, what to do when your child resists, how to build body awareness, and how to move through potty training without the battles, the pressure, and the guilt.
00:08:55.679 --> 00:08:59.519
You'll find the link in the show notes, and I'd love to see you there.
00:08:59.759 --> 00:09:05.679
If you know another parent who's in the thick of potty training right now, go ahead and share this episode with them.
00:09:05.840 --> 00:09:08.399
It might be exactly what they need to hear.
00:09:08.639 --> 00:09:11.919
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
