WEBVTT
00:00:04.959 --> 00:00:07.280
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:08.080
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:11.599
Catherine, pediatrician, Mama 4, and your host.
00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:14.080
Today we're talking about tantrums.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:19.280
And before we dive in, I want to tell you something that surprises a lot of parents.
00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:26.320
The thing most people instinctively do during a tantrum often makes it bigger and longer.
00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:33.359
I'll explain why in a minute, but first, let me tell you about the most embarrassing tantrum of my life.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:37.039
It was about 30 years ago, see, I still haven't forgotten.
00:00:37.280 --> 00:00:39.840
I was doing weekend rounds at the hospital.
00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:44.880
My three and a half year old came with me, that was my youngest, and my kids often did.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:51.280
And right outside of a patient's room, my daughter threw herself on the floor and started screaming.
00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:52.880
Full meltdown.
00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:53.679
Why?
00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:58.399
Because she wanted the stuffed animal belonging to the little girl in the crib.
00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:02.159
A little girl who'd just been diagnosed with diabetes.
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:15.280
Doctors, nurses, families, everyone I worked with was watching my child roll around on the pediatric ward floor in her beautiful little blue dress and matching bow.
00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:17.200
I just wanted to disappear.
00:01:17.439 --> 00:01:18.640
And here's the thing.
00:01:18.879 --> 00:01:20.400
I was a pediatrician.
00:01:20.560 --> 00:01:25.200
I'd seen hundreds of tantrums, and I still felt flustered in that moment.
00:01:25.439 --> 00:01:27.519
That's what tantrums do to us.
00:01:27.760 --> 00:01:32.319
They hijack parents just as fast as they hijack kids.
00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:40.560
I tried everything, reasoning with her, explaining, negotiating, and the more I talked, the worse it got.
00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:44.239
At one point I remember thinking, this is ridiculous.
00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:50.959
She has a million stuffed animals at home, and honestly, I think most of us have had moments like that.
00:01:51.280 --> 00:02:00.640
You try to stay calm, you say the right things, you try logic again, and somehow the tantrum just keeps getting louder and going longer.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:04.319
So here's the shift that changed everything for me.
00:02:04.560 --> 00:02:08.719
Your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time.
00:02:08.960 --> 00:02:11.199
Now that doesn't mean there are no limits.
00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:15.759
It doesn't mean you give in, but it completely changes how you respond.
00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:20.719
During a tantrum, the emotional part of your child's brain takes over.
00:02:20.960 --> 00:02:26.960
The part responsible for logic, flexibility, impulse control, and problem solving.
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:28.960
They basically go offline.
00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:34.159
So your child isn't calmly choosing this moment to make your life difficult.
00:02:34.479 --> 00:02:41.039
They're overwhelmed, and they need help getting through that wave, not punishment for having one.
00:02:41.280 --> 00:02:45.520
And honestly, this comes up constantly during potty training too.
00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:53.520
A lot of parents assume accidents, resistance, or refusal to sit on the potty mean their child is being stubborn.
00:02:53.840 --> 00:03:01.520
Usually, the child is overwhelmed, pressured, confused, or simply not ready for the expectation yet.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:05.360
And that's why I created a free potty training workshop.
00:03:05.520 --> 00:03:15.360
I'll walk you through what actually helps toddlers cooperate, how to avoid turning potty training into a power struggle, and what to do when things start going sideways.
00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:18.400
You can sign up using the link in the show notes.
00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:22.319
Now back to the mistake that most of us make during tantrums.
00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:26.800
We try to fix the tantrum while the child is still fully inside it.
00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:32.000
We explain, we negotiate, we try in comfort, we talk too much.
00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:37.680
But during the peak of the tantrum, your child's brain isn't really processing logic yet.
00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:41.360
Your calm presence helps more than your words.
00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:44.240
And this is where parents often get frustrated.
00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:49.759
You're doing all the right things, and the tantrum just keeps getting louder and longer.
00:03:50.080 --> 00:03:54.560
But typically, the tantrum needs to peak before it can settle.
00:03:54.800 --> 00:03:56.560
Think about how adults work.
00:03:57.039 --> 00:04:05.919
If you're really upset and someone immediately starts trying to solve the problem before you even feel understood, it usually just makes things worse.
00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:07.599
Well, kids are no different.
00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:10.639
Connection comes before cooperation.
00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:13.199
That doesn't mean endless talking.
00:04:13.439 --> 00:04:15.840
In fact, shorter is usually better.
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:18.639
You might say things like, I know you're upset.
00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:20.480
Oh you really wanted that.
00:04:20.720 --> 00:04:22.319
I'm right here, sweetheart.
00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:24.879
And then just stay grounded best you can.
00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:31.439
Not perfect, not emotionless, just steady enough to help your child borrow your calm.
00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:40.240
You see, toddlers don't come into the world knowing how to handle disappointment, waiting, frustration, transitions, or even overwhelm.
00:04:40.399 --> 00:04:44.480
They learn those skills through repeated experiences with us.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:51.439
And sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is stop trying to end the feelings as quickly as possible.
00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:57.759
A tantrum is not proof that your parenting failed or that you need to be tougher on your child.
00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:03.680
It's often just a sign your child has reached the edge of what they can handle in that moment.
00:05:04.079 --> 00:05:07.439
Now that perspective, it really changes everything.
00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:17.279
Because instead of thinking, how do I make this stop right this moment, you start asking, how do I help my child move through this?
00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:20.319
And that shift in thinking really matters.
00:05:20.639 --> 00:05:25.360
Now I want to be clear, being empathetic doesn't mean being permissive.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:29.279
You can hold the boundaries and stay connected at the same time.
00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:33.759
You can say, hitting is not okay, not now, not ever.
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:35.759
And I'm gonna help you stop.
00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:45.279
And at the same time, you can help your child through the feelings that led to hitting and teach them the skills that they're lacking.
00:05:45.519 --> 00:05:48.240
You can stay calm and stay firm.
00:05:48.560 --> 00:05:50.959
Both things can happen together.
00:05:51.199 --> 00:05:59.519
Kids feel safest when they know you're gonna understand their feelings, hold the boundary, and stay with them through the hard part.
00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:04.079
Now one thing I tell parents all the time is this you're the bridge.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:12.480
Your child borrows your nervous system until they can manage their own, which means your job is to try to share your calm.
00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:25.360
And yes, I know it's really hard, especially when you're exhausted, especially when you're touched out, especially when you're trying to cook dinner while somebody screams because their banana broke in half.
00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:28.800
Nobody handles every tantrum perfectly.
00:06:29.120 --> 00:06:30.319
I certainly didn't.
00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:32.240
My kids will tell you that.
00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:41.759
But when you understand what's happening underneath that behavior, it becomes a lot easier not to take the chaos so personally.
00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:46.959
You won't stay calm all the time, because you have a nervous system too.
00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:51.920
But just aim for less reactive, better able to stay calm.
00:06:52.160 --> 00:06:57.040
And over time, that's what helps children build emotional regulation.
00:06:57.439 --> 00:07:03.920
Not because we lecture them into it, because they experience it with us over and over again.
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:06.480
Your child doesn't need a perfect parent.
00:07:06.720 --> 00:07:13.279
They need someone willing to consider what's underneath the behavior and keep learning alongside them.
00:07:13.519 --> 00:07:14.959
That's parenting.
00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:20.800
And honestly, if patrons are showing up during potty training too, you're not alone.
00:07:21.120 --> 00:07:27.439
Resistance, accidents, refusal, and power struggles are incredibly common.
00:07:27.680 --> 00:07:33.360
And that's exactly why I created that free potty training workshop I mentioned earlier.
00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:44.000
So if you want practical, big-hearted tools for handling the messy moments without turning potty training into a battle, you can sign up using the link in the show notes.
00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:48.000
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:04.959 --> 00:00:07.280
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:08.080
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:11.599
Catherine, pediatrician, Mama 4, and your host.
00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:14.080
Today we're talking about tantrums.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:19.280
And before we dive in, I want to tell you something that surprises a lot of parents.
00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:26.320
The thing most people instinctively do during a tantrum often makes it bigger and longer.
00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:33.359
I'll explain why in a minute, but first, let me tell you about the most embarrassing tantrum of my life.
00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:37.039
It was about 30 years ago, see, I still haven't forgotten.
00:00:37.280 --> 00:00:39.840
I was doing weekend rounds at the hospital.
00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:44.880
My three and a half year old came with me, that was my youngest, and my kids often did.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:51.280
And right outside of a patient's room, my daughter threw herself on the floor and started screaming.
00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:52.880
Full meltdown.
00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:53.679
Why?
00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:58.399
Because she wanted the stuffed animal belonging to the little girl in the crib.
00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:02.159
A little girl who'd just been diagnosed with diabetes.
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:15.280
Doctors, nurses, families, everyone I worked with was watching my child roll around on the pediatric ward floor in her beautiful little blue dress and matching bow.
00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:17.200
I just wanted to disappear.
00:01:17.439 --> 00:01:18.640
And here's the thing.
00:01:18.879 --> 00:01:20.400
I was a pediatrician.
00:01:20.560 --> 00:01:25.200
I'd seen hundreds of tantrums, and I still felt flustered in that moment.
00:01:25.439 --> 00:01:27.519
That's what tantrums do to us.
00:01:27.760 --> 00:01:32.319
They hijack parents just as fast as they hijack kids.
00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:40.560
I tried everything, reasoning with her, explaining, negotiating, and the more I talked, the worse it got.
00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:44.239
At one point I remember thinking, this is ridiculous.
00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:50.959
She has a million stuffed animals at home, and honestly, I think most of us have had moments like that.
00:01:51.280 --> 00:02:00.640
You try to stay calm, you say the right things, you try logic again, and somehow the tantrum just keeps getting louder and going longer.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:04.319
So here's the shift that changed everything for me.
00:02:04.560 --> 00:02:08.719
Your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time.
00:02:08.960 --> 00:02:11.199
Now that doesn't mean there are no limits.
00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:15.759
It doesn't mean you give in, but it completely changes how you respond.
00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:20.719
During a tantrum, the emotional part of your child's brain takes over.
00:02:20.960 --> 00:02:26.960
The part responsible for logic, flexibility, impulse control, and problem solving.
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:28.960
They basically go offline.
00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:34.159
So your child isn't calmly choosing this moment to make your life difficult.
00:02:34.479 --> 00:02:41.039
They're overwhelmed, and they need help getting through that wave, not punishment for having one.
00:02:41.280 --> 00:02:45.520
And honestly, this comes up constantly during potty training too.
00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:53.520
A lot of parents assume accidents, resistance, or refusal to sit on the potty mean their child is being stubborn.
00:02:53.840 --> 00:03:01.520
Usually, the child is overwhelmed, pressured, confused, or simply not ready for the expectation yet.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:05.360
And that's why I created a free potty training workshop.
00:03:05.520 --> 00:03:15.360
I'll walk you through what actually helps toddlers cooperate, how to avoid turning potty training into a power struggle, and what to do when things start going sideways.
00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:18.400
You can sign up using the link in the show notes.
00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:22.319
Now back to the mistake that most of us make during tantrums.
00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:26.800
We try to fix the tantrum while the child is still fully inside it.
00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:32.000
We explain, we negotiate, we try in comfort, we talk too much.
00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:37.680
But during the peak of the tantrum, your child's brain isn't really processing logic yet.
00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:41.360
Your calm presence helps more than your words.
00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:44.240
And this is where parents often get frustrated.
00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:49.759
You're doing all the right things, and the tantrum just keeps getting louder and longer.
00:03:50.080 --> 00:03:54.560
But typically, the tantrum needs to peak before it can settle.
00:03:54.800 --> 00:03:56.560
Think about how adults work.
00:03:57.039 --> 00:04:05.919
If you're really upset and someone immediately starts trying to solve the problem before you even feel understood, it usually just makes things worse.
00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:07.599
Well, kids are no different.
00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:10.639
Connection comes before cooperation.
00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:13.199
That doesn't mean endless talking.
00:04:13.439 --> 00:04:15.840
In fact, shorter is usually better.
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:18.639
You might say things like, I know you're upset.
00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:20.480
Oh you really wanted that.
00:04:20.720 --> 00:04:22.319
I'm right here, sweetheart.
00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:24.879
And then just stay grounded best you can.
00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:31.439
Not perfect, not emotionless, just steady enough to help your child borrow your calm.
00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:40.240
You see, toddlers don't come into the world knowing how to handle disappointment, waiting, frustration, transitions, or even overwhelm.
00:04:40.399 --> 00:04:44.480
They learn those skills through repeated experiences with us.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:51.439
And sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is stop trying to end the feelings as quickly as possible.
00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:57.759
A tantrum is not proof that your parenting failed or that you need to be tougher on your child.
00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:03.680
It's often just a sign your child has reached the edge of what they can handle in that moment.
00:05:04.079 --> 00:05:07.439
Now that perspective, it really changes everything.
00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:17.279
Because instead of thinking, how do I make this stop right this moment, you start asking, how do I help my child move through this?
00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:20.319
And that shift in thinking really matters.
00:05:20.639 --> 00:05:25.360
Now I want to be clear, being empathetic doesn't mean being permissive.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:29.279
You can hold the boundaries and stay connected at the same time.
00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:33.759
You can say, hitting is not okay, not now, not ever.
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:35.759
And I'm gonna help you stop.
00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:45.279
And at the same time, you can help your child through the feelings that led to hitting and teach them the skills that they're lacking.
00:05:45.519 --> 00:05:48.240
You can stay calm and stay firm.
00:05:48.560 --> 00:05:50.959
Both things can happen together.
00:05:51.199 --> 00:05:59.519
Kids feel safest when they know you're gonna understand their feelings, hold the boundary, and stay with them through the hard part.
00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:04.079
Now one thing I tell parents all the time is this you're the bridge.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:12.480
Your child borrows your nervous system until they can manage their own, which means your job is to try to share your calm.
00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:25.360
And yes, I know it's really hard, especially when you're exhausted, especially when you're touched out, especially when you're trying to cook dinner while somebody screams because their banana broke in half.
00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:28.800
Nobody handles every tantrum perfectly.
00:06:29.120 --> 00:06:30.319
I certainly didn't.
00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:32.240
My kids will tell you that.
00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:41.759
But when you understand what's happening underneath that behavior, it becomes a lot easier not to take the chaos so personally.
00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:46.959
You won't stay calm all the time, because you have a nervous system too.
00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:51.920
But just aim for less reactive, better able to stay calm.
00:06:52.160 --> 00:06:57.040
And over time, that's what helps children build emotional regulation.
00:06:57.439 --> 00:07:03.920
Not because we lecture them into it, because they experience it with us over and over again.
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:06.480
Your child doesn't need a perfect parent.
00:07:06.720 --> 00:07:13.279
They need someone willing to consider what's underneath the behavior and keep learning alongside them.
00:07:13.519 --> 00:07:14.959
That's parenting.
00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:20.800
And honestly, if patrons are showing up during potty training too, you're not alone.
00:07:21.120 --> 00:07:27.439
Resistance, accidents, refusal, and power struggles are incredibly common.
00:07:27.680 --> 00:07:33.360
And that's exactly why I created that free potty training workshop I mentioned earlier.
00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:44.000
So if you want practical, big-hearted tools for handling the messy moments without turning potty training into a battle, you can sign up using the link in the show notes.
00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:48.000
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
