WEBVTT
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:09.839
Haley was kicking the wall and shrieking, no pancakes.
00:00:10.160 --> 00:00:14.640
My niece didn't flinch, she just repeated calmly, no pancakes.
00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:17.600
Haley didn't want pancakes for breakfast.
00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:18.879
And that was it.
00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:22.879
Haley went from a million to zero in seconds.
00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:29.039
I expected a soccer ball-sized hole in the wall, but there was just a few scuff marks.
00:00:29.280 --> 00:00:30.000
I'm Dr.
00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:32.719
Catherine and this is Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:36.719
And today we're going to talk about how to manage aggressive tantrums.
00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:39.280
Actually, our goals are bigger than that.
00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:48.719
Big-hearted parenting is about helping kids feel good about themselves, so managing tantrums is also about protecting a child's self-esteem.
00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:54.159
First, we need to understand what's going on that explains such bizarre behavior.
00:00:54.320 --> 00:01:08.719
And I find this step is really helpful because when you understand what having a brain that's still under construction means, you stop thinking you're too soft or stop taking the misbehavior personally.
00:01:09.040 --> 00:01:14.879
And this is really important because it makes it easier for you to stay calm and grounded.
00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:19.840
Now I'm going to skip the science lesson and just share the relevant parts.
00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:32.000
So when it comes to aggressive tantrums, realize your child's body thinks there's an enormous threat and it's reacting protectively, which can include aggressive behavior.
00:01:32.239 --> 00:01:39.200
You see, your child was born with all the feelings, but not logic, problem solving, or impulse control.
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:47.599
So she feels intense feelings, but doesn't have the tools she needs to manage these big, big emotions calmly.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:50.560
They basically explode out of her.
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:54.480
And that's why kicking, hitting, and throwing happens.
00:01:54.799 --> 00:01:59.040
We don't often realize this, but adults have meltdowns too.
00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:11.199
Picture this, you splurged on a family trip to Mexico, you double checked everything, all the details, you called the resort twice to confirm you had adjoining rooms.
00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:16.639
You arrive, you're exhausted, and the front desk says, We don't have adjoining rooms.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:21.680
Well the kids are too young to be alone, so you're stuck on separate floors.
00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:27.520
You kick your suitcase, you snap at your partner, and you say things you regret.
00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:30.159
That feeling, that's a tantrum.
00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:33.840
It doesn't really feel good to feel out of control, does it?
00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:35.039
It feels scary.
00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:37.439
And kids feel the same way.
00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:44.800
When you realize this, that your child really feels scared, it's easier to stay calm and supportive.
00:02:44.960 --> 00:02:55.280
What I mean is that during an aggressive tantrum, instead of thinking my child is angry, think my child is scared or frightened.
00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:59.120
So what's the big hearted way to manage an aggressive tantrum?
00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:06.560
And by big hearted I don't mean permissive, I don't mean soft, I mean kind, but still yet firm.
00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:11.439
Well first of all, we need to think both short term and long term.
00:03:11.919 --> 00:03:15.599
Short term basically means managing the tantrum itself.
00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:18.719
And as always, safety comes first.
00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:22.000
Safety is always the number one priority.
00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:30.879
So if safety allows, take a few breaths, let your own nervous system settle down, and then take steps to ensure safety.
00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:39.919
I know many people say something like, I'm not gonna let you and you think they're sending the message, I'm in charge.
00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:48.960
But really, kids just hear another no, and given that they hear approximately 300 no's in the day, it's not a turning point for them.
00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:59.520
Instead, simply let your child know what behavior you want them to stop, like hitting is not okay, it hurts, and move away or move your child away.
00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:00.960
Same as the toys.
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:02.800
Throwing toys is dangerous.
00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:06.479
I'm going to move the toys up here to keep everyone safe.
00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:11.360
If your child is banging her head on the floor, move her to a carpeted area.
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:13.759
I don't want you to hurt yourself.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:16.319
The next step is to get low.
00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:22.000
Squat down and sit quietly by your child when the aggressive behavior stops.
00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:26.800
Sharing your calm is the most effective way of shortening a tantrum.
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:31.759
But wait for the tantrum to be fizzling out before you say or do anything.
00:04:31.920 --> 00:04:38.480
Then reassure your child by saying something like you were really sad that your brother wouldn't share his truck.
00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:42.319
It's really hard, sweetheart, when you don't get what you want.
00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:46.800
This isn't the time for logic or lectures or to punish your child.
00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:51.920
Remind yourself, aggressive tantrums are normal and healthy.
00:04:52.240 --> 00:05:01.439
The next step is to use a big-hearted interpretation, and that means realize your child is not having a tantrum to drive you crazy.
00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:04.720
They're actually having a challenging time themselves.
00:05:04.959 --> 00:05:15.680
For instance, your older child won't share with the toddler, Paul, the younger child, completely loses it and is on the floor kicking and throwing everything within reach.
00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:20.240
Well, clearly you need to move the toys or move your child from the safety perspective.
00:05:20.399 --> 00:05:28.000
Then a big hearted interpretation would be my toddler couldn't contain his disappointment when his brother wouldn't share his truck.
00:05:28.319 --> 00:05:35.040
He doesn't have the tools he needs to ask for a turn or to talk himself down from the big disappointment.
00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:37.759
Now let's talk about the long term.
00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:41.920
This is about teaching your child the skills you realize they need.
00:05:42.079 --> 00:05:44.240
Let's use Paul again as an example.
00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:47.199
Here's how I talked to him about the tantrum.
00:05:47.439 --> 00:05:51.680
Yesterday you were really upset when your brother wouldn't share his truck.
00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:56.879
The next time you want to play with his toys, say can I have a turn?
00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:01.360
And then I would role play with Paul how to ask for a turn.
00:06:01.519 --> 00:06:04.560
Or you could use dolls to reinforce the idea.
00:06:04.800 --> 00:06:14.160
Recently my granddaughter went to Disneyland and she was terrified by the fireworks, and she wanted to talk about it over and over and over.
00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:23.360
When she raised the topic, which she did often, we told her the story about what happened over and over until she seemed to feel comfortable.
00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:29.199
We didn't give advice or explanations, we just told the story about the loud noise.
00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:35.680
You were at Disneyland, there were castles and characters, and there were fireworks.
00:06:35.839 --> 00:06:41.439
And the fireworks were really fun to look at, but they had loud noises that you didn't like.
00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:49.360
So if your child talks about the tantrum, use the same narration technique to help them put it to rest.
00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:57.199
And then lastly, next to safety, the most important step in managing a tantrum is to share your calm.
00:06:57.360 --> 00:07:11.519
Your child's logic center isn't well developed, and that means they have all the feelings without the tools to manage them, in which case your ability to stay calm is one of the most powerful ways to shorten a tantrum.
00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:18.319
Maybe you're thinking easier said than done, but how you think about a tantrum shapes how you respond.
00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:22.879
And lastly, some kids need more supervision.
00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:28.399
Again, because we realize they don't have impulse control, they can't regulate their emotions.
00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:34.480
Some kids just need you close by to redirect them when it looks like they're going to get them in trouble.
00:07:34.720 --> 00:07:36.879
And that is a fact of immaturity.
00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:41.360
As they grow older and develop these skills, you won't need to keep doing this.
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:49.519
And sometimes it's just a week or two of shadowing them to show them right in the moment how to deal with things differently.
00:07:49.839 --> 00:07:51.600
Thank you so much for listening.
00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:53.439
I hope you found this helpful.
00:07:53.680 --> 00:07:57.120
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:09.839
Haley was kicking the wall and shrieking, no pancakes.
00:00:10.160 --> 00:00:14.640
My niece didn't flinch, she just repeated calmly, no pancakes.
00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:17.600
Haley didn't want pancakes for breakfast.
00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:18.879
And that was it.
00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:22.879
Haley went from a million to zero in seconds.
00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:29.039
I expected a soccer ball-sized hole in the wall, but there was just a few scuff marks.
00:00:29.280 --> 00:00:30.000
I'm Dr.
00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:32.719
Catherine and this is Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:36.719
And today we're going to talk about how to manage aggressive tantrums.
00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:39.280
Actually, our goals are bigger than that.
00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:48.719
Big-hearted parenting is about helping kids feel good about themselves, so managing tantrums is also about protecting a child's self-esteem.
00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:54.159
First, we need to understand what's going on that explains such bizarre behavior.
00:00:54.320 --> 00:01:08.719
And I find this step is really helpful because when you understand what having a brain that's still under construction means, you stop thinking you're too soft or stop taking the misbehavior personally.
00:01:09.040 --> 00:01:14.879
And this is really important because it makes it easier for you to stay calm and grounded.
00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:19.840
Now I'm going to skip the science lesson and just share the relevant parts.
00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:32.000
So when it comes to aggressive tantrums, realize your child's body thinks there's an enormous threat and it's reacting protectively, which can include aggressive behavior.
00:01:32.239 --> 00:01:39.200
You see, your child was born with all the feelings, but not logic, problem solving, or impulse control.
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:47.599
So she feels intense feelings, but doesn't have the tools she needs to manage these big, big emotions calmly.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:50.560
They basically explode out of her.
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:54.480
And that's why kicking, hitting, and throwing happens.
00:01:54.799 --> 00:01:59.040
We don't often realize this, but adults have meltdowns too.
00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:11.199
Picture this, you splurged on a family trip to Mexico, you double checked everything, all the details, you called the resort twice to confirm you had adjoining rooms.
00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:16.639
You arrive, you're exhausted, and the front desk says, We don't have adjoining rooms.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:21.680
Well the kids are too young to be alone, so you're stuck on separate floors.
00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:27.520
You kick your suitcase, you snap at your partner, and you say things you regret.
00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:30.159
That feeling, that's a tantrum.
00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:33.840
It doesn't really feel good to feel out of control, does it?
00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:35.039
It feels scary.
00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:37.439
And kids feel the same way.
00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:44.800
When you realize this, that your child really feels scared, it's easier to stay calm and supportive.
00:02:44.960 --> 00:02:55.280
What I mean is that during an aggressive tantrum, instead of thinking my child is angry, think my child is scared or frightened.
00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:59.120
So what's the big hearted way to manage an aggressive tantrum?
00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:06.560
And by big hearted I don't mean permissive, I don't mean soft, I mean kind, but still yet firm.
00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:11.439
Well first of all, we need to think both short term and long term.
00:03:11.919 --> 00:03:15.599
Short term basically means managing the tantrum itself.
00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:18.719
And as always, safety comes first.
00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:22.000
Safety is always the number one priority.
00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:30.879
So if safety allows, take a few breaths, let your own nervous system settle down, and then take steps to ensure safety.
00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:39.919
I know many people say something like, I'm not gonna let you and you think they're sending the message, I'm in charge.
00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:48.960
But really, kids just hear another no, and given that they hear approximately 300 no's in the day, it's not a turning point for them.
00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:59.520
Instead, simply let your child know what behavior you want them to stop, like hitting is not okay, it hurts, and move away or move your child away.
00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:00.960
Same as the toys.
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:02.800
Throwing toys is dangerous.
00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:06.479
I'm going to move the toys up here to keep everyone safe.
00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:11.360
If your child is banging her head on the floor, move her to a carpeted area.
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:13.759
I don't want you to hurt yourself.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:16.319
The next step is to get low.
00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:22.000
Squat down and sit quietly by your child when the aggressive behavior stops.
00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:26.800
Sharing your calm is the most effective way of shortening a tantrum.
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:31.759
But wait for the tantrum to be fizzling out before you say or do anything.
00:04:31.920 --> 00:04:38.480
Then reassure your child by saying something like you were really sad that your brother wouldn't share his truck.
00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:42.319
It's really hard, sweetheart, when you don't get what you want.
00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:46.800
This isn't the time for logic or lectures or to punish your child.
00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:51.920
Remind yourself, aggressive tantrums are normal and healthy.
00:04:52.240 --> 00:05:01.439
The next step is to use a big-hearted interpretation, and that means realize your child is not having a tantrum to drive you crazy.
00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:04.720
They're actually having a challenging time themselves.
00:05:04.959 --> 00:05:15.680
For instance, your older child won't share with the toddler, Paul, the younger child, completely loses it and is on the floor kicking and throwing everything within reach.
00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:20.240
Well, clearly you need to move the toys or move your child from the safety perspective.
00:05:20.399 --> 00:05:28.000
Then a big hearted interpretation would be my toddler couldn't contain his disappointment when his brother wouldn't share his truck.
00:05:28.319 --> 00:05:35.040
He doesn't have the tools he needs to ask for a turn or to talk himself down from the big disappointment.
00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:37.759
Now let's talk about the long term.
00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:41.920
This is about teaching your child the skills you realize they need.
00:05:42.079 --> 00:05:44.240
Let's use Paul again as an example.
00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:47.199
Here's how I talked to him about the tantrum.
00:05:47.439 --> 00:05:51.680
Yesterday you were really upset when your brother wouldn't share his truck.
00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:56.879
The next time you want to play with his toys, say can I have a turn?
00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:01.360
And then I would role play with Paul how to ask for a turn.
00:06:01.519 --> 00:06:04.560
Or you could use dolls to reinforce the idea.
00:06:04.800 --> 00:06:14.160
Recently my granddaughter went to Disneyland and she was terrified by the fireworks, and she wanted to talk about it over and over and over.
00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:23.360
When she raised the topic, which she did often, we told her the story about what happened over and over until she seemed to feel comfortable.
00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:29.199
We didn't give advice or explanations, we just told the story about the loud noise.
00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:35.680
You were at Disneyland, there were castles and characters, and there were fireworks.
00:06:35.839 --> 00:06:41.439
And the fireworks were really fun to look at, but they had loud noises that you didn't like.
00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:49.360
So if your child talks about the tantrum, use the same narration technique to help them put it to rest.
00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:57.199
And then lastly, next to safety, the most important step in managing a tantrum is to share your calm.
00:06:57.360 --> 00:07:11.519
Your child's logic center isn't well developed, and that means they have all the feelings without the tools to manage them, in which case your ability to stay calm is one of the most powerful ways to shorten a tantrum.
00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:18.319
Maybe you're thinking easier said than done, but how you think about a tantrum shapes how you respond.
00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:22.879
And lastly, some kids need more supervision.
00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:28.399
Again, because we realize they don't have impulse control, they can't regulate their emotions.
00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:34.480
Some kids just need you close by to redirect them when it looks like they're going to get them in trouble.
00:07:34.720 --> 00:07:36.879
And that is a fact of immaturity.
00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:41.360
As they grow older and develop these skills, you won't need to keep doing this.
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:49.519
And sometimes it's just a week or two of shadowing them to show them right in the moment how to deal with things differently.
00:07:49.839 --> 00:07:51.600
Thank you so much for listening.
00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:53.439
I hope you found this helpful.
00:07:53.680 --> 00:07:57.120
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
