WEBVTT
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A mom called not long ago.
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She was upset.
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You know, the kind of upset that's trying really hard to sound composed but isn't quite pulling it off.
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So I knew something was up.
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Stevie's daycare had given them an ultimatum.
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Stevie was 18 months old, and they were told if he didn't stop biting the other kids at daycare, he wasn't going to be able to stay.
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And here's what made this especially hard for his parents.
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Stevie only bit at daycare.
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He never bit anyone at home or at play dates, only there.
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And they were completely baffled.
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How do you stop a behavior you've never even seen?
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How do you fix something at home that only happens somewhere else?
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They felt like awful parents, and they kept asking themselves, what are we doing wrong?
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Is there something wrong with Stevie?
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And underneath all of it, the fear that kept them up at night was is this something going to follow him?
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Is Stevie going to have troubles making and keeping friends?
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Is this the beginning of something bigger?
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Now what I told this family completely changed how they understood what was happening and it changed everything about how they handled it.
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But first, I need to tell you why kids bite, because until you really understand that, nothing else I say is really going to make sense the way it needs to.
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Welcome, I'm Dr.
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Catherine, and you're listening to Toddlers Made Easy.
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I'm a pediatrician recently retired with forty years of clinical practice.
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I'm the mum of four amazing adult kids, and today we're talking about biting, why little kids do it, why the bite back advice isn't helpful and even a little harmful, and what to actually do instead, including how to prevent biting before it even starts.
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So let's get into it.
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First, let's talk about why little kids bite.
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I want you to understand what's actually happening when a little kid bites someone because it's not what it looks like.
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I know it doesn't look cute, and I also know it doesn't feel cute, especially when you've got a little set of teeth marks on your shoulder.
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But if you zoom out and look at what's actually going on developmentally, everything starts to make a lot more sense.
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Little kids bite for more reasons than most people realize.
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Yes, big emotions are a huge driver, frustration, overwhelm, fear, but so is poor impulse control.
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Their brakes just aren't working yet.
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Some kids bite because they're seeking attention.
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Biting gets a reaction fast, and a toddler's brain files that away.
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Some bite because they're testing, genuinely trying to figure out what happens when they bite.
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Some kids are still exploring the world with their mouths, which is completely normal at this age, and some bite when they're hungry or overtired or teething even, not because they're angry, not because they're trying to hurt someone, but because their body is overwhelmed.
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Here's why it matters to notice when your child bites and what's happening right before.
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That circumstance around the biting often tells you what's driving it.
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And once you understand what's driving it, you're much closer to finding a solution.
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Which brings me back to Stevie.
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When I talked to his mum and asked her to walk me through his days at daycare, what time drop offs happened, what the room looks like, how many kids, how long before pickup, a very clear picture started to emerge.
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Stevie was fine at home because home was calm and predictable and small, but at daycare he was overstimulated, overwhelmed, and he didn't yet have the words to say I need space or I feel scared or I want to turn, and so he bit.
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He wasn't a bad kid, he wasn't a problem kid.
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He was a little boy in a big noisy world with feelings he had no idea what to do with.
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Once his parents understood that, the shame really lifted and they could actually get to work.
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And I want you to notice something important here.
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Nobody solved this by punishing the biting harder.
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The breakthrough came when his parents stopped asking, how do we make him stop biting, and started asking, what's making biting happen?
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That's a very different question.
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One question focuses on controlling behavior, and the other focuses on understanding behavior.
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And in parenting, those two approaches often lead you to very different solutions.
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So let's look at why biting back is not the answer.
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Where does bite them back even come from?
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It comes from a very understandable place.
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It's rooted in the idea that if a child experiences the pain of what they just did, if they feel exactly what their bite feels like, they'll make the connection, they'll realize it hurts, and they'll stop.
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And here's the honest truth.
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Sometimes it does work in the short term.
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Some parents have tried it and reported their child never bit again, and I completely believe it.
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But here's the question that the bite back strategy never stops to ask.
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What lesson did that teach?
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Think about it for a moment from your child's perspective.
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He's overwhelmed, he doesn't have the words or the skills to handle what he's feeling.
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The impulse control center in his brain isn't fully developed, and so he bites.
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And then the adults he trusts most in the world, the person he runs to when he's scared, the person whose face he looks for across every room, the person you want him to turn to when he has problems as a teenager, that person bites him back.
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So what just got wired into your child's brain?
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When someone hurts you, hurt them back.
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It's confusing, and it chips away a trust.
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That's a lesson that will follow a child into the sandbox, into preschool, into his first friendship fight, into the way he handles anger for years to come.
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Now I suspect that's not the lesson you're trying to teach.
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I'm guessing you're trying to raise a kid who knows how to handle hard moments with some version of grace, a kid who can feel the big feelings without hurting someone, a kid who knows when conflict comes, there are better tools than retaliation.
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Little kids learn by watching us, and they're watching us every single second.
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And when you bite back, what they're watching is this is what we do when we're angry.
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And this is where I think parents sometimes get stuck.
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We could become so focused on stopping a behavior that we forget to ask what we're teaching while we're stopping it.
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Because every discipline strategy, it actually teaches you several things at once.
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It teaches something about the behavior, like biting that it's not okay.
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And it teaches you something about relationships, about what people do when they're upset or frustrated or hurt.
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And that's why the method matters.
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The lesson lasts much longer than that biting moment.
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Okay, great.
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So if we're not biting back, now what?
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I'm gonna share with you three steps that are easy to remember at any time of the day or night, even when you're the one who's just gotten bitten.
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So step one is take care of the person who was hurt.
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This might be you, and that's okay.
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Just say ouch, that really hurt.
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And say it clearly, calmly if you can, though I want to acknowledge you're human and this might not be possible.
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But name it.
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Biting it hurts.
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It's not okay.
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Don't be super dramatic, just honestly, biting hurts.
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And naming the impact is actually the first part of teaching empathy.
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We assume kids know they're hurting you, but the amazing thing is they may not, or at least not early on.
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Now, if another child was bitten, go to that child first, comfort them first, and this does two things.
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It shows everyone that biting causes real harm, and it teaches your child without a lecture that biting has consequences.
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The other child needs help now or the other person needs help now.
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Also, as a pediatrician, I've got to put this in here.
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If your child's skin is broken, you need to wash its soap and water and then have a chat with your physician about what further steps are needed.
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Okay, back to step two.
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You want to set the limit clearly and firmly.
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Biting is not okay.
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Never, ever.
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You don't need a long speech right now.
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You need your child to hear a clear limit from someone who means it, and then briefly acknowledge that feeling that got him there.
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I know you're really frustrated, I said no to the scissors, and that was really hard.
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That's not making excuses.
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That's not letting him off the hook.
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It's doing something more important.
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It's showing him that his feelings matter too.
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And that distinction is everything.
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Step three is we want to teach the missing skill.
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This is the step most parenting advice skips entirely.
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Stopping the behavior is only half the job.
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The other half is giving your child something to do instead.
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Your child's brain is going to encounter this situation again.
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There's going to be another no, another frustration, another moment when the feelings get too big, and if all we've done is tell him what not to do, we've left him completely empty handed.
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So fill that gap.
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Next time you're upset, when your tower falls down, take three big breaths like this.
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Next time you want a toy, ask, can I have a turn?
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Next time you need help, you can come and say, Mummy, I need you.
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Or you can just squeeze my hand really hard, I'll understand.
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You want to equip your child with the tools he needs to do better.
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And remember, he's only been on this planet about five hundred and forty days.
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You're not just managing behavior, you're building skills.
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Now let's talk about something even better than handling biting well, and that's preventing it.
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Because the best time to deal with biting is before it happens.
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So here are five things that actually work.
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First is prep your child for situations that tend to trigger the biting.
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If long play dates lead to meltdowns, keep them short.
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If crowded or noisy places wind him up, give him a heads up before you go in.
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We're going to a party.
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There's going to be lots of kids.
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If you need me, come and find me.
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That small warning that preparation can make a big difference.
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Secondly, teach your child what to say.
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I don't like that.
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Practice it at home, in calm moments before he needs it.
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Or can I have a turn?
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Or no you can't play with this now, you can play with it when I'm finished.
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Those words are the tools that are missing.
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Third, there are times when a child needs close supervision during a biting phase, and I mean really close shadowing him, close enough to step in before teeth meet skin.
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Some kids need to be shadowed during this phase until their impulse control catches up.
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That's not punishment, it's protection and it's normal development.
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Fourth, role play with stuffed animals.
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This is one of my favorites.
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Sit down with your child and act it out.
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One stuffed animal gets frustrated and instead of biting, try something different.
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Then let your child be the director and let him play both roles, the biter and the one who gets bitten.
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That switch in perspective is really powerful and it builds the kind of awareness that a lecture in the heat of the moment will never do.
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Fifth is work on emotional regulation outside of the moment.
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Teach these skills when everyone is calm.
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Name feelings during books and play.
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Give your child words before he's in the storm.
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Because here's the thing, when a child's in the middle of these huge feelings, their thinking brain, the logic center, is essentially offline.
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They can't process a lesson, take in your words or make a different choice.
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They're basically in survival mode.
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So that long explanation right after the bite, it didn't land because their brain literally wasn't ready to receive it.
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The real learning happens later, during play, during a calm cuddle, during a book about feelings.
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That's when the brain is open.
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That's when things actually stick.
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And notice what all of these prevention strategies have in common?
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None of them depend on fear, none of them depend on shame.
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None of them depend on making a child feel bad enough to stop.
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They work because they build skills.
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Biting is a lack of skills problem, not a character problem.
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A child who bites isn't telling you he's bad, he's telling you he doesn't yet have a better way to handle what's happening.
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Biting is a phase, and with the right tools and consistency it passes, I promise.
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I want to come back to something, because I think it's been the real topic of this episode all along.
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We've talked about why kids bite, we've talked about why biting back doesn't help.
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We've talked about teaching replacement skills and preventing biting before it starts.
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But underneath all of that is a bigger idea.
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I've been asking you to look at biting differently, not as a child being bad, not as a child trying to make your life difficult, but as a child missing a skill.
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And once you start seeing challenging behavior that way, a bigger question appears.
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Most parenting advice is built around one question.
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Did the behavior stop?
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And I understand why.
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When you've been bitten on the shoulder for the third time this week, stopping the behavior feels like the only thing that matters.
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But big hearted parenting asks a different question.
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Did the behavior stop without making the child feel smaller?
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Because the strategies that stop behavior through fear, shame, humiliation, or force often work in the short term, but they also teach a child something about themselves, something about relationships, something about what happens when they make mistakes, and those lessons stick.
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Truthfully, you can be firm without being mean.
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You can hold a boundary without humiliation, and you can correct behavior without making your child feel like they're the problem.
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That's what big hearted parenting is about.
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It's not permissiveness.
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You saw the framework.
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The limit is clear.
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Biting is not okay.
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We're not just trying to stop a behavior.
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We're trying to teach the skill that makes the behavior unnecessary.
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Kindness and firmness are not opposites.
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They're most powerful when they're together.
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And listen, it might happen again.
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Even after you've handled it exactly right, you know what to do now.
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Take care of the person that was hurt.
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Set the limit clearly, and teach the skill your child didn't have.
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And curvet what you can before the next bite happens.
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Ask yourself not just did it stop, but did it stop in a way I'm proud of?
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That's the bar, and that's big hearted parenting.
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Now, if this episode was helpful, share it with another parent in the thick of it.
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And if you've got a little one whose emotions are running the whole household, come find me.
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I have a course called Talders Made Easy, and it walks you through exactly this kind of thing how to handle the hardest moments without yelling, without punishment, and without losing your mind.
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I'll put the link in the show notes if you want to make your days easier.
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Now, until next week, keep up the good work, and you're doing better than you think.
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A mom called not long ago.
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She was upset.
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You know, the kind of upset that's trying really hard to sound composed but isn't quite pulling it off.
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So I knew something was up.
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Stevie's daycare had given them an ultimatum.
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Stevie was 18 months old, and they were told if he didn't stop biting the other kids at daycare, he wasn't going to be able to stay.
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And here's what made this especially hard for his parents.
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Stevie only bit at daycare.
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He never bit anyone at home or at play dates, only there.
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And they were completely baffled.
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How do you stop a behavior you've never even seen?
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How do you fix something at home that only happens somewhere else?
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They felt like awful parents, and they kept asking themselves, what are we doing wrong?
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Is there something wrong with Stevie?
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And underneath all of it, the fear that kept them up at night was is this something going to follow him?
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Is Stevie going to have troubles making and keeping friends?
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Is this the beginning of something bigger?
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Now what I told this family completely changed how they understood what was happening and it changed everything about how they handled it.
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But first, I need to tell you why kids bite, because until you really understand that, nothing else I say is really going to make sense the way it needs to.
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Welcome, I'm Dr.
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Catherine, and you're listening to Toddlers Made Easy.
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I'm a pediatrician recently retired with forty years of clinical practice.
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I'm the mum of four amazing adult kids, and today we're talking about biting, why little kids do it, why the bite back advice isn't helpful and even a little harmful, and what to actually do instead, including how to prevent biting before it even starts.
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So let's get into it.
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First, let's talk about why little kids bite.
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I want you to understand what's actually happening when a little kid bites someone because it's not what it looks like.
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I know it doesn't look cute, and I also know it doesn't feel cute, especially when you've got a little set of teeth marks on your shoulder.
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But if you zoom out and look at what's actually going on developmentally, everything starts to make a lot more sense.
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Little kids bite for more reasons than most people realize.
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Yes, big emotions are a huge driver, frustration, overwhelm, fear, but so is poor impulse control.
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Their brakes just aren't working yet.
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Some kids bite because they're seeking attention.
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Biting gets a reaction fast, and a toddler's brain files that away.
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Some bite because they're testing, genuinely trying to figure out what happens when they bite.
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Some kids are still exploring the world with their mouths, which is completely normal at this age, and some bite when they're hungry or overtired or teething even, not because they're angry, not because they're trying to hurt someone, but because their body is overwhelmed.
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Here's why it matters to notice when your child bites and what's happening right before.
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That circumstance around the biting often tells you what's driving it.
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And once you understand what's driving it, you're much closer to finding a solution.
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Which brings me back to Stevie.
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When I talked to his mum and asked her to walk me through his days at daycare, what time drop offs happened, what the room looks like, how many kids, how long before pickup, a very clear picture started to emerge.
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Stevie was fine at home because home was calm and predictable and small, but at daycare he was overstimulated, overwhelmed, and he didn't yet have the words to say I need space or I feel scared or I want to turn, and so he bit.
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He wasn't a bad kid, he wasn't a problem kid.
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He was a little boy in a big noisy world with feelings he had no idea what to do with.
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Once his parents understood that, the shame really lifted and they could actually get to work.
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And I want you to notice something important here.
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Nobody solved this by punishing the biting harder.
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The breakthrough came when his parents stopped asking, how do we make him stop biting, and started asking, what's making biting happen?
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That's a very different question.
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One question focuses on controlling behavior, and the other focuses on understanding behavior.
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And in parenting, those two approaches often lead you to very different solutions.
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So let's look at why biting back is not the answer.
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Where does bite them back even come from?
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It comes from a very understandable place.
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It's rooted in the idea that if a child experiences the pain of what they just did, if they feel exactly what their bite feels like, they'll make the connection, they'll realize it hurts, and they'll stop.
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And here's the honest truth.
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Sometimes it does work in the short term.
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Some parents have tried it and reported their child never bit again, and I completely believe it.
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But here's the question that the bite back strategy never stops to ask.
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What lesson did that teach?
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Think about it for a moment from your child's perspective.
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He's overwhelmed, he doesn't have the words or the skills to handle what he's feeling.
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The impulse control center in his brain isn't fully developed, and so he bites.
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And then the adults he trusts most in the world, the person he runs to when he's scared, the person whose face he looks for across every room, the person you want him to turn to when he has problems as a teenager, that person bites him back.
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So what just got wired into your child's brain?
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When someone hurts you, hurt them back.
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It's confusing, and it chips away a trust.
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That's a lesson that will follow a child into the sandbox, into preschool, into his first friendship fight, into the way he handles anger for years to come.
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Now I suspect that's not the lesson you're trying to teach.
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I'm guessing you're trying to raise a kid who knows how to handle hard moments with some version of grace, a kid who can feel the big feelings without hurting someone, a kid who knows when conflict comes, there are better tools than retaliation.
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Little kids learn by watching us, and they're watching us every single second.
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And when you bite back, what they're watching is this is what we do when we're angry.
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And this is where I think parents sometimes get stuck.
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We could become so focused on stopping a behavior that we forget to ask what we're teaching while we're stopping it.
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Because every discipline strategy, it actually teaches you several things at once.
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It teaches something about the behavior, like biting that it's not okay.
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And it teaches you something about relationships, about what people do when they're upset or frustrated or hurt.
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And that's why the method matters.
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The lesson lasts much longer than that biting moment.
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Okay, great.
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So if we're not biting back, now what?
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I'm gonna share with you three steps that are easy to remember at any time of the day or night, even when you're the one who's just gotten bitten.
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So step one is take care of the person who was hurt.
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This might be you, and that's okay.
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Just say ouch, that really hurt.
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And say it clearly, calmly if you can, though I want to acknowledge you're human and this might not be possible.
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But name it.
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Biting it hurts.
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It's not okay.
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Don't be super dramatic, just honestly, biting hurts.
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And naming the impact is actually the first part of teaching empathy.
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We assume kids know they're hurting you, but the amazing thing is they may not, or at least not early on.
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Now, if another child was bitten, go to that child first, comfort them first, and this does two things.
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It shows everyone that biting causes real harm, and it teaches your child without a lecture that biting has consequences.
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The other child needs help now or the other person needs help now.
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Also, as a pediatrician, I've got to put this in here.
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If your child's skin is broken, you need to wash its soap and water and then have a chat with your physician about what further steps are needed.
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Okay, back to step two.
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You want to set the limit clearly and firmly.
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Biting is not okay.
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Never, ever.
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You don't need a long speech right now.
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You need your child to hear a clear limit from someone who means it, and then briefly acknowledge that feeling that got him there.
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I know you're really frustrated, I said no to the scissors, and that was really hard.
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That's not making excuses.
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That's not letting him off the hook.
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It's doing something more important.
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It's showing him that his feelings matter too.
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And that distinction is everything.
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Step three is we want to teach the missing skill.
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This is the step most parenting advice skips entirely.
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Stopping the behavior is only half the job.
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The other half is giving your child something to do instead.
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Your child's brain is going to encounter this situation again.
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There's going to be another no, another frustration, another moment when the feelings get too big, and if all we've done is tell him what not to do, we've left him completely empty handed.
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So fill that gap.
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Next time you're upset, when your tower falls down, take three big breaths like this.
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Next time you want a toy, ask, can I have a turn?
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Next time you need help, you can come and say, Mummy, I need you.
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Or you can just squeeze my hand really hard, I'll understand.
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You want to equip your child with the tools he needs to do better.
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And remember, he's only been on this planet about five hundred and forty days.
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You're not just managing behavior, you're building skills.
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Now let's talk about something even better than handling biting well, and that's preventing it.
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Because the best time to deal with biting is before it happens.
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So here are five things that actually work.
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First is prep your child for situations that tend to trigger the biting.
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If long play dates lead to meltdowns, keep them short.
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If crowded or noisy places wind him up, give him a heads up before you go in.
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We're going to a party.
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There's going to be lots of kids.
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If you need me, come and find me.
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That small warning that preparation can make a big difference.
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Secondly, teach your child what to say.
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I don't like that.
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Practice it at home, in calm moments before he needs it.
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Or can I have a turn?
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Or no you can't play with this now, you can play with it when I'm finished.
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Those words are the tools that are missing.
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Third, there are times when a child needs close supervision during a biting phase, and I mean really close shadowing him, close enough to step in before teeth meet skin.
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Some kids need to be shadowed during this phase until their impulse control catches up.
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That's not punishment, it's protection and it's normal development.
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Fourth, role play with stuffed animals.
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This is one of my favorites.
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Sit down with your child and act it out.
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One stuffed animal gets frustrated and instead of biting, try something different.
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Then let your child be the director and let him play both roles, the biter and the one who gets bitten.
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That switch in perspective is really powerful and it builds the kind of awareness that a lecture in the heat of the moment will never do.
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Fifth is work on emotional regulation outside of the moment.
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Teach these skills when everyone is calm.
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Name feelings during books and play.
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Give your child words before he's in the storm.
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Because here's the thing, when a child's in the middle of these huge feelings, their thinking brain, the logic center, is essentially offline.
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They can't process a lesson, take in your words or make a different choice.
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They're basically in survival mode.
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So that long explanation right after the bite, it didn't land because their brain literally wasn't ready to receive it.
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The real learning happens later, during play, during a calm cuddle, during a book about feelings.
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That's when the brain is open.
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That's when things actually stick.
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And notice what all of these prevention strategies have in common?
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None of them depend on fear, none of them depend on shame.
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None of them depend on making a child feel bad enough to stop.
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They work because they build skills.
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Biting is a lack of skills problem, not a character problem.
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A child who bites isn't telling you he's bad, he's telling you he doesn't yet have a better way to handle what's happening.
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Biting is a phase, and with the right tools and consistency it passes, I promise.
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I want to come back to something, because I think it's been the real topic of this episode all along.
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We've talked about why kids bite, we've talked about why biting back doesn't help.
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We've talked about teaching replacement skills and preventing biting before it starts.
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But underneath all of that is a bigger idea.
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I've been asking you to look at biting differently, not as a child being bad, not as a child trying to make your life difficult, but as a child missing a skill.
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And once you start seeing challenging behavior that way, a bigger question appears.
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Most parenting advice is built around one question.
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Did the behavior stop?
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And I understand why.
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When you've been bitten on the shoulder for the third time this week, stopping the behavior feels like the only thing that matters.
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But big hearted parenting asks a different question.
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Did the behavior stop without making the child feel smaller?
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Because the strategies that stop behavior through fear, shame, humiliation, or force often work in the short term, but they also teach a child something about themselves, something about relationships, something about what happens when they make mistakes, and those lessons stick.
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Truthfully, you can be firm without being mean.
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You can hold a boundary without humiliation, and you can correct behavior without making your child feel like they're the problem.
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That's what big hearted parenting is about.
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It's not permissiveness.
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You saw the framework.
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The limit is clear.
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Biting is not okay.
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We're not just trying to stop a behavior.
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We're trying to teach the skill that makes the behavior unnecessary.
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Kindness and firmness are not opposites.
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They're most powerful when they're together.
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And listen, it might happen again.
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Even after you've handled it exactly right, you know what to do now.
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Take care of the person that was hurt.
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Set the limit clearly, and teach the skill your child didn't have.
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And curvet what you can before the next bite happens.
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Ask yourself not just did it stop, but did it stop in a way I'm proud of?
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That's the bar, and that's big hearted parenting.
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Now, if this episode was helpful, share it with another parent in the thick of it.
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And if you've got a little one whose emotions are running the whole household, come find me.
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I have a course called Talders Made Easy, and it walks you through exactly this kind of thing how to handle the hardest moments without yelling, without punishment, and without losing your mind.
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I'll put the link in the show notes if you want to make your days easier.
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Now, until next week, keep up the good work, and you're doing better than you think.
