WEBVTT
00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:12.240
Seth was on the floor building an enormous tower with his magnetiles.
00:00:12.560 --> 00:00:17.359
Every piece had to be just right, and he was completely absorbed.
00:00:17.600 --> 00:00:21.120
From the kitchen, his mom called, Seth, dinner.
00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:22.960
No response.
00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:29.280
She called again, louder this time, Dinner! If you don't come right now, there's no dessert.
00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:36.719
Well, Seth didn't move, not because he was being stubborn, but because he was deep inside what he was doing.
00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:38.799
Finally, she snapped.
00:00:39.039 --> 00:00:41.840
Get here right now, and there's no dessert.
00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:45.840
And that's when Seth jumped up and ran to the table.
00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:48.399
Welcome to Toddler's Made Easy.
00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:49.200
I'm Dr.
00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:51.119
Catherine, your host.
00:00:51.359 --> 00:00:56.640
If you want to name the number one questions parents ask me, it would be this.
00:00:57.039 --> 00:00:59.679
Why won't my kids just listen?
00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:02.159
I know it feels personal.
00:01:02.320 --> 00:01:04.159
It feels like disrespect.
00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:06.879
It feels like you're doing something totally wrong.
00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:12.879
Maybe you're worried that your kids are confused about who's the boss or that you're not being firm enough.
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:14.319
But here's the thing.
00:01:14.560 --> 00:01:21.599
And I've said it before, toddlers and preschoolers are the most misunderstood people on the planet.
00:01:21.920 --> 00:01:36.640
So today I want to show you what's really going on and why your child sometimes ignores you, and when you understand it in a totally new way, you'll realize there's a better and easier way to help kids cooperate.
00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:40.239
Notice we're really talking about cooperation.
00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:49.840
Every night, millions of parents call their kids to the dinner table, and every night millions of kids, just like Seth, do nothing.
00:01:50.079 --> 00:01:53.599
They keep playing, they keep building, they keep drawing.
00:01:53.920 --> 00:02:00.719
Typically, when your kid ignores your commands, parents tend to get louder and threaten consequences.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:02.239
We've all been there.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:11.280
Now I've had tons of parents over the years that were so worried about their kids not listening that they asked me to send them for a hearing test.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:16.400
And not once did a test done for those reasons come back abnormal.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:19.120
Their ears were working just fine.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:21.919
But this isn't really about listening.
00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:24.080
It's about cooperating.
00:02:24.319 --> 00:02:29.360
Maybe you're thinking tomato tomato, but here's where the difference plays out.
00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:35.039
When a child feels scared or yelled at, the brain goes into alarm mode.
00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:45.840
Stress hormones rise, and that thinking part of the brain, the part that helps with choices and listening and self-control, well, it goes offline.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:55.199
And that's why yelling, it can get quick action, but it doesn't really build cooperation or create better listeners.
00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:56.560
Imagine this.
00:02:56.879 --> 00:02:58.879
You finally got the kids to bed.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:08.319
You sit down with your laptop, you're really looking forward to a moment just to yourself, and your partner walks by and says, get your coat on, we need to go get milk.
00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:13.520
Well, you probably don't jump up and you probably don't say, sure, let's go.
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:20.159
You might pretend you didn't hear, you might get annoyed, you might argue, but you're not really being difficult.
00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:23.520
And it doesn't mean that you don't love or respect your partner.
00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:32.560
It just means your partner wanted you to do something that you didn't want to do, which is a lot like what happens when kids don't listen.
00:03:32.800 --> 00:03:38.800
So if yelling triggers your child's brain into threat mode, what's the alternative?
00:03:39.039 --> 00:03:44.800
How can we encourage cooperation without triggering the stress response?
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:49.199
Well, the key is understanding what's going on developmentally.
00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:52.960
Toddlers and preschoolers are all about control.
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:57.439
In fact, they're testing who they are in the moment.
00:03:57.680 --> 00:04:00.879
And this is exactly what they're meant to be doing.
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:07.520
So when your toddler digs in their heels, don't see difficult see developing.
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:12.800
They're learning how to have a voice, how to say, this matters to me.
00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:16.959
And the safest place for them to learn this is at home with you.
00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:25.839
The problem is that they're little kids with developing brains, and while they know what they want, they really don't know how to get it.
00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:28.959
So let's go back to the example about you.
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:40.560
So what if your partner instead had said I know this is the first moment you've had to yourself, but sweetheart, we need milk or there won't be any for coffee in the morning.
00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:48.800
You probably would have felt seen and maybe understood a little bit better, and you'd probably have said something like Ugh okay.
00:04:49.600 --> 00:04:54.480
Because when people, even little people feel seen, they soften.
00:04:54.800 --> 00:05:01.920
So how can we ask our kids to come to the table in a way that actually makes them inclined to listen?
00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:04.399
First, we need to see them.
00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:07.199
I know it's hard to stop playing, sweetheart.
00:05:07.439 --> 00:05:09.279
You're having so much fun.
00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:10.879
But dinner is ready.
00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:13.600
Do you want to walk or hop to the table?
00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:17.920
Or maybe you would say, You really want to finish that tower.
00:05:18.079 --> 00:05:21.360
Let's take a picture of it so you can come back to it later.
00:05:21.600 --> 00:05:24.560
Or you could say, I see how focused you are.
00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:30.000
I'm gonna just sit down next to you for a minute or two, then we can go to the table together.
00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:32.959
These aren't tricks, these are bridges.
00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:37.279
They help a child cross from their world to your world.
00:05:37.680 --> 00:05:42.000
Notice in the first response I also gave my child a choice.
00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:50.800
Since our kids are looking for autonomy, what better way to promote cooperation than to help them feel a sense of freedom?
00:05:51.040 --> 00:05:54.639
Their mind is asking, does what I want matter?
00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:56.879
Do my choices matter?
00:05:57.199 --> 00:06:04.000
Funny, the way to get them to cooperate is to help them feel seen and heard, just like us.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:09.439
And that's how you get a child to listen without yelling or threats.
00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:19.120
So you see, big-hearted parenting isn't about knowing the perfect script or using a trick or a hack to get your kids to the table.
00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:25.839
It's about understanding these little humans and what they need so you can parent smarter.
00:06:26.079 --> 00:06:36.240
Now, if you remember only one thing from this episode, let it be that when your child isn't listening, they're not being difficult, they're developing.
00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:43.360
Parents in the membership tell me that what felt impossible now feels manageable, and I love that.
00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:49.920
So if you want more support and step-by-step guidance, check out the Big Hearted School of Parenting.
00:06:50.079 --> 00:06:52.399
The link is in the show notes below.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:56.560
Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:12.240
Seth was on the floor building an enormous tower with his magnetiles.
00:00:12.560 --> 00:00:17.359
Every piece had to be just right, and he was completely absorbed.
00:00:17.600 --> 00:00:21.120
From the kitchen, his mom called, Seth, dinner.
00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:22.960
No response.
00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:29.280
She called again, louder this time, Dinner! If you don't come right now, there's no dessert.
00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:36.719
Well, Seth didn't move, not because he was being stubborn, but because he was deep inside what he was doing.
00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:38.799
Finally, she snapped.
00:00:39.039 --> 00:00:41.840
Get here right now, and there's no dessert.
00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:45.840
And that's when Seth jumped up and ran to the table.
00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:48.399
Welcome to Toddler's Made Easy.
00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:49.200
I'm Dr.
00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:51.119
Catherine, your host.
00:00:51.359 --> 00:00:56.640
If you want to name the number one questions parents ask me, it would be this.
00:00:57.039 --> 00:00:59.679
Why won't my kids just listen?
00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:02.159
I know it feels personal.
00:01:02.320 --> 00:01:04.159
It feels like disrespect.
00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:06.879
It feels like you're doing something totally wrong.
00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:12.879
Maybe you're worried that your kids are confused about who's the boss or that you're not being firm enough.
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:14.319
But here's the thing.
00:01:14.560 --> 00:01:21.599
And I've said it before, toddlers and preschoolers are the most misunderstood people on the planet.
00:01:21.920 --> 00:01:36.640
So today I want to show you what's really going on and why your child sometimes ignores you, and when you understand it in a totally new way, you'll realize there's a better and easier way to help kids cooperate.
00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:40.239
Notice we're really talking about cooperation.
00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:49.840
Every night, millions of parents call their kids to the dinner table, and every night millions of kids, just like Seth, do nothing.
00:01:50.079 --> 00:01:53.599
They keep playing, they keep building, they keep drawing.
00:01:53.920 --> 00:02:00.719
Typically, when your kid ignores your commands, parents tend to get louder and threaten consequences.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:02.239
We've all been there.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:11.280
Now I've had tons of parents over the years that were so worried about their kids not listening that they asked me to send them for a hearing test.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:16.400
And not once did a test done for those reasons come back abnormal.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:19.120
Their ears were working just fine.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:21.919
But this isn't really about listening.
00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:24.080
It's about cooperating.
00:02:24.319 --> 00:02:29.360
Maybe you're thinking tomato tomato, but here's where the difference plays out.
00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:35.039
When a child feels scared or yelled at, the brain goes into alarm mode.
00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:45.840
Stress hormones rise, and that thinking part of the brain, the part that helps with choices and listening and self-control, well, it goes offline.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:55.199
And that's why yelling, it can get quick action, but it doesn't really build cooperation or create better listeners.
00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:56.560
Imagine this.
00:02:56.879 --> 00:02:58.879
You finally got the kids to bed.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:08.319
You sit down with your laptop, you're really looking forward to a moment just to yourself, and your partner walks by and says, get your coat on, we need to go get milk.
00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:13.520
Well, you probably don't jump up and you probably don't say, sure, let's go.
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:20.159
You might pretend you didn't hear, you might get annoyed, you might argue, but you're not really being difficult.
00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:23.520
And it doesn't mean that you don't love or respect your partner.
00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:32.560
It just means your partner wanted you to do something that you didn't want to do, which is a lot like what happens when kids don't listen.
00:03:32.800 --> 00:03:38.800
So if yelling triggers your child's brain into threat mode, what's the alternative?
00:03:39.039 --> 00:03:44.800
How can we encourage cooperation without triggering the stress response?
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:49.199
Well, the key is understanding what's going on developmentally.
00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:52.960
Toddlers and preschoolers are all about control.
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:57.439
In fact, they're testing who they are in the moment.
00:03:57.680 --> 00:04:00.879
And this is exactly what they're meant to be doing.
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:07.520
So when your toddler digs in their heels, don't see difficult see developing.
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:12.800
They're learning how to have a voice, how to say, this matters to me.
00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:16.959
And the safest place for them to learn this is at home with you.
00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:25.839
The problem is that they're little kids with developing brains, and while they know what they want, they really don't know how to get it.
00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:28.959
So let's go back to the example about you.
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:40.560
So what if your partner instead had said I know this is the first moment you've had to yourself, but sweetheart, we need milk or there won't be any for coffee in the morning.
00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:48.800
You probably would have felt seen and maybe understood a little bit better, and you'd probably have said something like Ugh okay.
00:04:49.600 --> 00:04:54.480
Because when people, even little people feel seen, they soften.
00:04:54.800 --> 00:05:01.920
So how can we ask our kids to come to the table in a way that actually makes them inclined to listen?
00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:04.399
First, we need to see them.
00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:07.199
I know it's hard to stop playing, sweetheart.
00:05:07.439 --> 00:05:09.279
You're having so much fun.
00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:10.879
But dinner is ready.
00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:13.600
Do you want to walk or hop to the table?
00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:17.920
Or maybe you would say, You really want to finish that tower.
00:05:18.079 --> 00:05:21.360
Let's take a picture of it so you can come back to it later.
00:05:21.600 --> 00:05:24.560
Or you could say, I see how focused you are.
00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:30.000
I'm gonna just sit down next to you for a minute or two, then we can go to the table together.
00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:32.959
These aren't tricks, these are bridges.
00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:37.279
They help a child cross from their world to your world.
00:05:37.680 --> 00:05:42.000
Notice in the first response I also gave my child a choice.
00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:50.800
Since our kids are looking for autonomy, what better way to promote cooperation than to help them feel a sense of freedom?
00:05:51.040 --> 00:05:54.639
Their mind is asking, does what I want matter?
00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:56.879
Do my choices matter?
00:05:57.199 --> 00:06:04.000
Funny, the way to get them to cooperate is to help them feel seen and heard, just like us.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:09.439
And that's how you get a child to listen without yelling or threats.
00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:19.120
So you see, big-hearted parenting isn't about knowing the perfect script or using a trick or a hack to get your kids to the table.
00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:25.839
It's about understanding these little humans and what they need so you can parent smarter.
00:06:26.079 --> 00:06:36.240
Now, if you remember only one thing from this episode, let it be that when your child isn't listening, they're not being difficult, they're developing.
00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:43.360
Parents in the membership tell me that what felt impossible now feels manageable, and I love that.
00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:49.920
So if you want more support and step-by-step guidance, check out the Big Hearted School of Parenting.
00:06:50.079 --> 00:06:52.399
The link is in the show notes below.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:56.560
Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next week.
