WEBVTT
00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:10.720
Five-year-old Mira adores the new baby.
00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:17.120
She wants to be part of everything: diaper changes, getting dressed, soothing every cry.
00:00:17.359 --> 00:00:21.679
The moment her sister makes a peep, Mira is already there.
00:00:21.920 --> 00:00:25.440
And everyone keeps saying, What a nice big sister.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:29.199
And she is thoughtful and she's deeply empathetic.
00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:32.560
But here's the worry her mom shared with me.
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:33.200
Dr.
00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:38.000
Catherine, I'm afraid she'll grow up to be a people pleaser.
00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:46.960
When a child hears praise mainly for being helpful, being good, being easy, she can start to learn something underneath it all.
00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:50.399
I'm loved most when I take care of others.
00:00:50.640 --> 00:01:02.560
And without meaning to, we can teach a child to put her own needs on the back burner, to feel responsible for other people's feelings, to confuse kindness with self-sacrifice.
00:01:02.799 --> 00:01:03.600
I'm Dr.
00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:06.879
Catherine and welcome to Toddler's Made Easy.
00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:14.879
And today we're going to talk about how to raise an empathetic child who doesn't lose herself in the process.
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:18.480
A parent recently wrote to me and said, Dr.
00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:24.400
Catherine, my current focus is keeping my three and a half year old a kid.
00:01:24.640 --> 00:01:31.040
I don't want to pull her into being a big sister or a caregiver role for her 13 month-old sister.
00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:37.280
I'm the oldest of three girls, and it's really important to me not to parentify her.
00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:47.680
I want her to enjoy being a child, play, have developmentally appropriate responsibilities, things that have nothing to do with her sister.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:51.359
But at the same time, she's naturally really empathetic.
00:01:51.599 --> 00:01:53.920
She wants to help when her sister is hurt.
00:01:54.079 --> 00:01:55.840
She helps me get her dressed.
00:01:56.079 --> 00:01:58.319
So how do I find that balance?
00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:01.359
And that's what we're going to talk about today.
00:02:01.680 --> 00:02:07.519
This is such a thoughtful, powerful question, and you are far from alone.
00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:12.800
Many parents, especially eldest daughters themselves, carry this concern.
00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:27.120
This is something really important to be thinking about, and you don't want to shut down your child's kindness just like you're expressing you don't want to, and you don't want to quietly train her to take care of others at the expense of herself.
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:29.280
The balance really matters.
00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:36.159
Yes, we want our kids to be empathetic, but we also don't want them putting their needs on the back burner.
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:40.400
So let's simplify this and make it really practical.
00:02:40.639 --> 00:02:45.120
So the first thing is I want you to reframe how you think about this.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:48.879
Your goal isn't to stop your child from being helpful.
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:53.680
Your goal is to make sure helping is a choice and not a sacrifice.
00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:59.039
A role sounds like this is who I am, this is what I'm supposed to do.
00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:07.039
A choice sounds like sometimes I help, sometimes I don't, because my needs matter too, and both are okay.
00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:09.199
And that differences everything.
00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:13.039
So let's talk about how to promote that kind of thinking.
00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:19.199
The first thing is to be clear, out loud, about what your child's job is not.
00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:25.199
Even if she seems happy to help, it's powerful for her to hear this regularly.
00:03:25.520 --> 00:03:27.919
It's not your job to take care of your sister.
00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:29.680
That's my job.
00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:33.439
You can help if you want to, but you never have to.
00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:38.080
Your most important job is to play and be a kid.
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:41.599
Say this often, not just when there's a problem.
00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:47.280
The next is let helping stay optional and interrupt it sometimes.
00:03:47.520 --> 00:03:54.560
You don't need to stop your child every time she jumps in, but you do want to interrupt the pattern so it doesn't become automatic.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:59.360
And you might say something like, Oh sweetheart, you're being so thoughtful, but I've got this.
00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:00.960
You go finish your game.
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:03.840
Or you could say, I see you want to help.
00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:06.159
Today I'm gonna handle it.
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:09.599
Or you don't need to worry about your sister right now.
00:04:09.840 --> 00:04:14.800
And this teaches her she doesn't have to monitor that her little sister is happy.
00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:18.160
The next thing is to be careful about what you praise.
00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:21.199
And this is really subtle, but it's so important.
00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:23.920
So you want to notice kindness.
00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:28.399
So you would say something to your daughter like, You noticed your little sister was sad.
00:04:28.560 --> 00:04:30.160
You're very aware.
00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:34.879
And also intentionally notice when she advocates for herself.
00:04:35.120 --> 00:04:38.720
You said no when you didn't want to help, and that's so important.
00:04:39.040 --> 00:04:40.639
I really appreciate it.
00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:43.040
You knew you wanted to keep playing.
00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:45.680
I love how you listen to yourself.
00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:49.680
You took care of your own body just now, that's great.
00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:56.000
And this tells your child I'm loved for knowing myself, not just for taking care of others.
00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:59.759
Next you want to encourage all feelings are okay.
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:06.240
It's sweet that your daughter wants to comfort her younger sister, but she doesn't need to fix her feelings.
00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:11.759
So you could say something like your little sister's sad, and that's okay, I'll help her.
00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:15.439
Or you could say, You don't have to make it better, sweetheart.
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.839
Or you could say, All feelings are okay, we don't need to fix them.
00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:27.759
And this really teaches a huge lesson early on that your daughter isn't responsible for other people's feelings.
00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:33.279
The next thing is to shift shared routines so she stays centered on herself.
00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:38.959
Instead of having her help her sister get dressed try, you get dressed next to your sister.
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:45.600
And that keeps your daughter developmentally where she belongs inside her own experience.
00:05:45.920 --> 00:06:00.079
The next thing is to make space just for your daughter, regularly, one-on-one time, where your daughter chooses what you do, and this quietly and reinforces I don't have to earn closeness by being helpful.
00:06:00.319 --> 00:06:08.399
Even short, predictable moments matter like a walk or reading a book together, or playing exactly how your daughter wants.
00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:18.240
The bottom line is this you're not raising a people pleaser, you're raising a child who's empathetic and allowed to have her own needs.
00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:21.920
You're teaching her this core truth early on.
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:26.560
I can care about others without ignoring my own needs.
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:30.639
And that's a really important gift that she'll carry for life.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:34.079
So let me leave you with this reminder.
00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:41.199
Some children naturally think about others, and our job is to help them think about themselves too.
00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:48.000
So you might say, you don't need to give the doll to your sister, I'll help her find something else to play with.
00:06:48.319 --> 00:07:02.639
Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, toddlers made easy, where I help you end pushback, tantrums, bedtime chaos, and so much more while bringing out the best in your child.
00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:05.040
And it only takes five minutes a day.
00:07:05.199 --> 00:07:07.600
You'll find the link in the show notes.
00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:09.279
Thank you for listening.
00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:10.720
Five-year-old Mira adores the new baby.
00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:17.120
She wants to be part of everything: diaper changes, getting dressed, soothing every cry.
00:00:17.359 --> 00:00:21.679
The moment her sister makes a peep, Mira is already there.
00:00:21.920 --> 00:00:25.440
And everyone keeps saying, What a nice big sister.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:29.199
And she is thoughtful and she's deeply empathetic.
00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:32.560
But here's the worry her mom shared with me.
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:33.200
Dr.
00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:38.000
Catherine, I'm afraid she'll grow up to be a people pleaser.
00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:46.960
When a child hears praise mainly for being helpful, being good, being easy, she can start to learn something underneath it all.
00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:50.399
I'm loved most when I take care of others.
00:00:50.640 --> 00:01:02.560
And without meaning to, we can teach a child to put her own needs on the back burner, to feel responsible for other people's feelings, to confuse kindness with self-sacrifice.
00:01:02.799 --> 00:01:03.600
I'm Dr.
00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:06.879
Catherine and welcome to Toddler's Made Easy.
00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:14.879
And today we're going to talk about how to raise an empathetic child who doesn't lose herself in the process.
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:18.480
A parent recently wrote to me and said, Dr.
00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:24.400
Catherine, my current focus is keeping my three and a half year old a kid.
00:01:24.640 --> 00:01:31.040
I don't want to pull her into being a big sister or a caregiver role for her 13 month-old sister.
00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:37.280
I'm the oldest of three girls, and it's really important to me not to parentify her.
00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:47.680
I want her to enjoy being a child, play, have developmentally appropriate responsibilities, things that have nothing to do with her sister.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:51.359
But at the same time, she's naturally really empathetic.
00:01:51.599 --> 00:01:53.920
She wants to help when her sister is hurt.
00:01:54.079 --> 00:01:55.840
She helps me get her dressed.
00:01:56.079 --> 00:01:58.319
So how do I find that balance?
00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:01.359
And that's what we're going to talk about today.
00:02:01.680 --> 00:02:07.519
This is such a thoughtful, powerful question, and you are far from alone.
00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:12.800
Many parents, especially eldest daughters themselves, carry this concern.
00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:27.120
This is something really important to be thinking about, and you don't want to shut down your child's kindness just like you're expressing you don't want to, and you don't want to quietly train her to take care of others at the expense of herself.
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:29.280
The balance really matters.
00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:36.159
Yes, we want our kids to be empathetic, but we also don't want them putting their needs on the back burner.
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:40.400
So let's simplify this and make it really practical.
00:02:40.639 --> 00:02:45.120
So the first thing is I want you to reframe how you think about this.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:48.879
Your goal isn't to stop your child from being helpful.
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:53.680
Your goal is to make sure helping is a choice and not a sacrifice.
00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:59.039
A role sounds like this is who I am, this is what I'm supposed to do.
00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:07.039
A choice sounds like sometimes I help, sometimes I don't, because my needs matter too, and both are okay.
00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:09.199
And that differences everything.
00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:13.039
So let's talk about how to promote that kind of thinking.
00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:19.199
The first thing is to be clear, out loud, about what your child's job is not.
00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:25.199
Even if she seems happy to help, it's powerful for her to hear this regularly.
00:03:25.520 --> 00:03:27.919
It's not your job to take care of your sister.
00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:29.680
That's my job.
00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:33.439
You can help if you want to, but you never have to.
00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:38.080
Your most important job is to play and be a kid.
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:41.599
Say this often, not just when there's a problem.
00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:47.280
The next is let helping stay optional and interrupt it sometimes.
00:03:47.520 --> 00:03:54.560
You don't need to stop your child every time she jumps in, but you do want to interrupt the pattern so it doesn't become automatic.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:59.360
And you might say something like, Oh sweetheart, you're being so thoughtful, but I've got this.
00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:00.960
You go finish your game.
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:03.840
Or you could say, I see you want to help.
00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:06.159
Today I'm gonna handle it.
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:09.599
Or you don't need to worry about your sister right now.
00:04:09.840 --> 00:04:14.800
And this teaches her she doesn't have to monitor that her little sister is happy.
00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:18.160
The next thing is to be careful about what you praise.
00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:21.199
And this is really subtle, but it's so important.
00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:23.920
So you want to notice kindness.
00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:28.399
So you would say something to your daughter like, You noticed your little sister was sad.
00:04:28.560 --> 00:04:30.160
You're very aware.
00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:34.879
And also intentionally notice when she advocates for herself.
00:04:35.120 --> 00:04:38.720
You said no when you didn't want to help, and that's so important.
00:04:39.040 --> 00:04:40.639
I really appreciate it.
00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:43.040
You knew you wanted to keep playing.
00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:45.680
I love how you listen to yourself.
00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:49.680
You took care of your own body just now, that's great.
00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:56.000
And this tells your child I'm loved for knowing myself, not just for taking care of others.
00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:59.759
Next you want to encourage all feelings are okay.
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:06.240
It's sweet that your daughter wants to comfort her younger sister, but she doesn't need to fix her feelings.
00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:11.759
So you could say something like your little sister's sad, and that's okay, I'll help her.
00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:15.439
Or you could say, You don't have to make it better, sweetheart.
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.839
Or you could say, All feelings are okay, we don't need to fix them.
00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:27.759
And this really teaches a huge lesson early on that your daughter isn't responsible for other people's feelings.
00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:33.279
The next thing is to shift shared routines so she stays centered on herself.
00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:38.959
Instead of having her help her sister get dressed try, you get dressed next to your sister.
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:45.600
And that keeps your daughter developmentally where she belongs inside her own experience.
00:05:45.920 --> 00:06:00.079
The next thing is to make space just for your daughter, regularly, one-on-one time, where your daughter chooses what you do, and this quietly and reinforces I don't have to earn closeness by being helpful.
00:06:00.319 --> 00:06:08.399
Even short, predictable moments matter like a walk or reading a book together, or playing exactly how your daughter wants.
00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:18.240
The bottom line is this you're not raising a people pleaser, you're raising a child who's empathetic and allowed to have her own needs.
00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:21.920
You're teaching her this core truth early on.
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:26.560
I can care about others without ignoring my own needs.
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:30.639
And that's a really important gift that she'll carry for life.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:34.079
So let me leave you with this reminder.
00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:41.199
Some children naturally think about others, and our job is to help them think about themselves too.
00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:48.000
So you might say, you don't need to give the doll to your sister, I'll help her find something else to play with.
00:06:48.319 --> 00:07:02.639
Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, toddlers made easy, where I help you end pushback, tantrums, bedtime chaos, and so much more while bringing out the best in your child.
00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:05.040
And it only takes five minutes a day.
00:07:05.199 --> 00:07:07.600
You'll find the link in the show notes.
00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:09.279
Thank you for listening.
