WEBVTT
00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:09.359
Welcome to toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:10.160
I'm Dr.
00:00:10.240 --> 00:00:15.039
Catherine, pediatrician and mom of four, and I'm here to make parenting easier.
00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:18.480
No fluff, we're just going to talk about what works.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:30.399
And today we're going to talk about something every parent of a toddler bumps into, and that's that automatic no, that refusal that pops out before they even hear what you've got to say.
00:00:30.719 --> 00:00:33.280
A mum shared this story with me recently.
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:39.600
She said, one morning in February, I was in the usual preschool scramble, backpack, snacks, boots.
00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:41.039
It was freezing out.
00:00:41.200 --> 00:00:47.759
Full winter, and I held out my daughter's hat and gloves, and she looked at me like I'd offered her a dead rat.
00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:49.280
I'm not cold.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:52.880
Well, I started with logic, but it's cold outside, sweetheart.
00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:54.159
I moved to warnings.
00:00:54.320 --> 00:00:56.000
You'll be freezing at Rhesus.
00:00:56.079 --> 00:00:57.520
And then I shifted into pleading.
00:00:57.679 --> 00:00:59.759
You'll get frostbite, please.
00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:06.079
She stood there in full protest, arms crossed, absolutely not putting them on.
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:12.000
Now if you're dealing with this ten times before breakfast, I see you and I hear you.
00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:17.280
These moments make normal routines feel like climbing Mount Everest.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:22.000
This reflex isn't really about defiance, although it sure feels like it.
00:01:22.159 --> 00:01:26.000
It's not really about disrespect either, and it's not manipulation.
00:01:26.159 --> 00:01:27.760
It's really development.
00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:35.599
You see, between the ages of 18 and 36 months, toddlers hit a stage called separation individuation.
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:40.159
And this is when they start to understand, you're you and I'm me.
00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:46.319
And that tiny awareness pops up when kids say, No, I'm not putting my shoes on.
00:01:46.480 --> 00:01:53.120
Or no, I don't want to bath, or no, I'm not leaving the park, or no, for no reason at all.
00:01:53.359 --> 00:01:57.040
It's not that your child is really trying to give you a hard time.
00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:01.519
It's more that they're just discovering that they're a separate person.
00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:11.199
Every no is your toddler testing out their own agency, and they're testing it out in the one place where they feel safe enough to try it, and that's with you.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:16.960
You see, inside your toddler's brain, there are two systems developing at different speeds.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:24.960
There's the reactive emotional system, you know, the part that says no, that part's fully online, and I'm sure you know that all too well.
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:33.680
But that logical, self-regulating system, the part that helps them stop and think, that one is still under construction.
00:02:33.919 --> 00:02:36.400
So the resistance comes out instantly.
00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:38.960
The reasoning comes later, much later.
00:02:39.280 --> 00:02:46.960
This is a healthy sign of growth and not a sign that you're too soft on your kids or that there's a parenting failure.
00:02:47.199 --> 00:03:03.039
This reflex shows up more intensely when you're a toddler, when you hear a direct command, when you feel rushed or pressured, when you're pulled out of something you're really enjoying, when you get too many directions at once, or when you're hungry, tired, or overstimulated.
00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:05.840
None of this means you're doing anything wrong.
00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:10.560
There are a few things that almost always make resistance worse.
00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:20.319
Pushing back against your child's no, taking the no personally, punishing your child for resisting, or jumping into the power struggle.
00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:25.680
When adults escalate, toddlers don't back down, they double down.
00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:28.960
So let's look at what actually helps.
00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:33.680
First of all, be sure that the expectations are age appropriate.
00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:39.840
Too high expectations are just setting yourselves up for conflict and failure.
00:03:40.080 --> 00:03:48.240
Your calm and confident response tells your toddler, sweetheart, you can voice your opinion and I can handle this.
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:50.639
And it lowers the intensity.
00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:59.439
When you invite cooperation instead of demand it, by saying something like, Coat time, do you want to put your coat on or should I help?
00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:04.560
You see, you're still leading, but in a way that protects your child's need for autonomy.
00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:11.199
You could also just say something like, Hey sweetheart, how can I help you get your shoes on or get your coat on?
00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:13.680
Or how can I help you get out the door?
00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:16.879
Acknowledge your child's experience.
00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:21.279
You could say something like, It's hard to stop playing when you're having fun.
00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:28.000
That one simple sentence, it really helps your toddler to feel understood, which softens that resistance.
00:04:28.319 --> 00:04:31.360
Now, sometimes you need to pause or step back.
00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:39.600
If that reflex is really fully activated, say something like, I can see you're not ready, let's try again in a few minutes.
00:04:39.759 --> 00:04:43.519
And this just gives their nervous system a few moments to settle down.
00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:49.680
Here's what I actually did with my own four kids and what I still recommend to parents today.
00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:56.000
I used to say something like, Wow, you really know what you want, and that is fantastic.
00:04:56.240 --> 00:05:03.199
And then I'd pause and let them feel heard, and then I'd shift to, okay, now let's get your boots on.
00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:06.319
And here's the key part that a lot of parents miss.
00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:10.800
I didn't just stand there waiting for cooperation to magically appear.
00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:12.879
I'd actually help make it happen.
00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:18.480
I'd get down on their level, guide their foot towards their boot, and stay connected through the process.
00:05:18.720 --> 00:05:21.040
Maybe I'd tell a little story while I'm doing it.
00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:24.319
Sometimes I'd do playfulness to shift the energy entirely.
00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:28.000
I'd say, let's see if I can get your shoes on before I count to ten.
00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:31.680
Or I bet these boots are gonna zoom on to your feet.
00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:32.560
Ready?
00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:33.279
Set?
00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:34.399
Let's go.
00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:38.399
And suddenly the task wasn't something being done to them.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:42.800
It was something we were doing together, maybe even having fun doing it.
00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:46.639
With one of my kids, I'd pretend the boots were rocket ships.
00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:49.199
With another, we'd sing a little song we made up.
00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:54.959
It didn't have to be elaborate, it just had to break the tension and bring us back into connection.
00:05:55.279 --> 00:06:03.199
This approach, like knowledge, redirect, and then help them through it with warmth and playfulness, it became my go-to move.
00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:09.360
It honored their need to be heard without letting the resistance derail what actually needed to happen.
00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:14.959
And this isn't something that gets much attention, but it's so important when it comes to toddlers.
00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:20.720
Actively helping your child follow through is how you sidestep power struggles.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:25.519
You're not forcing compliance, you're facilitating cooperation.
00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:29.279
Now, this is the part I never want parents to miss.
00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:34.000
Your toddler's resistance is not a sign that you're losing control.
00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:38.079
It's a sign they're growing and building their voice.
00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:55.279
When you hold the limit and make room for their voice, you encourage your child's ability to stand up for themselves, to have a strong voice, the ability to say no to pressure, to unsafe situations, to people who don't have their best interests at heart.
00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:59.360
And with that, I want to encourage you to keep up the good work.
00:06:59.439 --> 00:07:03.519
You're doing better than you think, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:09.359
Welcome to toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:10.160
I'm Dr.
00:00:10.240 --> 00:00:15.039
Catherine, pediatrician and mom of four, and I'm here to make parenting easier.
00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:18.480
No fluff, we're just going to talk about what works.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:30.399
And today we're going to talk about something every parent of a toddler bumps into, and that's that automatic no, that refusal that pops out before they even hear what you've got to say.
00:00:30.719 --> 00:00:33.280
A mum shared this story with me recently.
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:39.600
She said, one morning in February, I was in the usual preschool scramble, backpack, snacks, boots.
00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:41.039
It was freezing out.
00:00:41.200 --> 00:00:47.759
Full winter, and I held out my daughter's hat and gloves, and she looked at me like I'd offered her a dead rat.
00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:49.280
I'm not cold.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:52.880
Well, I started with logic, but it's cold outside, sweetheart.
00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:54.159
I moved to warnings.
00:00:54.320 --> 00:00:56.000
You'll be freezing at Rhesus.
00:00:56.079 --> 00:00:57.520
And then I shifted into pleading.
00:00:57.679 --> 00:00:59.759
You'll get frostbite, please.
00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:06.079
She stood there in full protest, arms crossed, absolutely not putting them on.
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:12.000
Now if you're dealing with this ten times before breakfast, I see you and I hear you.
00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:17.280
These moments make normal routines feel like climbing Mount Everest.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:22.000
This reflex isn't really about defiance, although it sure feels like it.
00:01:22.159 --> 00:01:26.000
It's not really about disrespect either, and it's not manipulation.
00:01:26.159 --> 00:01:27.760
It's really development.
00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:35.599
You see, between the ages of 18 and 36 months, toddlers hit a stage called separation individuation.
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:40.159
And this is when they start to understand, you're you and I'm me.
00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:46.319
And that tiny awareness pops up when kids say, No, I'm not putting my shoes on.
00:01:46.480 --> 00:01:53.120
Or no, I don't want to bath, or no, I'm not leaving the park, or no, for no reason at all.
00:01:53.359 --> 00:01:57.040
It's not that your child is really trying to give you a hard time.
00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:01.519
It's more that they're just discovering that they're a separate person.
00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:11.199
Every no is your toddler testing out their own agency, and they're testing it out in the one place where they feel safe enough to try it, and that's with you.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:16.960
You see, inside your toddler's brain, there are two systems developing at different speeds.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:24.960
There's the reactive emotional system, you know, the part that says no, that part's fully online, and I'm sure you know that all too well.
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:33.680
But that logical, self-regulating system, the part that helps them stop and think, that one is still under construction.
00:02:33.919 --> 00:02:36.400
So the resistance comes out instantly.
00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:38.960
The reasoning comes later, much later.
00:02:39.280 --> 00:02:46.960
This is a healthy sign of growth and not a sign that you're too soft on your kids or that there's a parenting failure.
00:02:47.199 --> 00:03:03.039
This reflex shows up more intensely when you're a toddler, when you hear a direct command, when you feel rushed or pressured, when you're pulled out of something you're really enjoying, when you get too many directions at once, or when you're hungry, tired, or overstimulated.
00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:05.840
None of this means you're doing anything wrong.
00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:10.560
There are a few things that almost always make resistance worse.
00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:20.319
Pushing back against your child's no, taking the no personally, punishing your child for resisting, or jumping into the power struggle.
00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:25.680
When adults escalate, toddlers don't back down, they double down.
00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:28.960
So let's look at what actually helps.
00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:33.680
First of all, be sure that the expectations are age appropriate.
00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:39.840
Too high expectations are just setting yourselves up for conflict and failure.
00:03:40.080 --> 00:03:48.240
Your calm and confident response tells your toddler, sweetheart, you can voice your opinion and I can handle this.
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:50.639
And it lowers the intensity.
00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:59.439
When you invite cooperation instead of demand it, by saying something like, Coat time, do you want to put your coat on or should I help?
00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:04.560
You see, you're still leading, but in a way that protects your child's need for autonomy.
00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:11.199
You could also just say something like, Hey sweetheart, how can I help you get your shoes on or get your coat on?
00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:13.680
Or how can I help you get out the door?
00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:16.879
Acknowledge your child's experience.
00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:21.279
You could say something like, It's hard to stop playing when you're having fun.
00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:28.000
That one simple sentence, it really helps your toddler to feel understood, which softens that resistance.
00:04:28.319 --> 00:04:31.360
Now, sometimes you need to pause or step back.
00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:39.600
If that reflex is really fully activated, say something like, I can see you're not ready, let's try again in a few minutes.
00:04:39.759 --> 00:04:43.519
And this just gives their nervous system a few moments to settle down.
00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:49.680
Here's what I actually did with my own four kids and what I still recommend to parents today.
00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:56.000
I used to say something like, Wow, you really know what you want, and that is fantastic.
00:04:56.240 --> 00:05:03.199
And then I'd pause and let them feel heard, and then I'd shift to, okay, now let's get your boots on.
00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:06.319
And here's the key part that a lot of parents miss.
00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:10.800
I didn't just stand there waiting for cooperation to magically appear.
00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:12.879
I'd actually help make it happen.
00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:18.480
I'd get down on their level, guide their foot towards their boot, and stay connected through the process.
00:05:18.720 --> 00:05:21.040
Maybe I'd tell a little story while I'm doing it.
00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:24.319
Sometimes I'd do playfulness to shift the energy entirely.
00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:28.000
I'd say, let's see if I can get your shoes on before I count to ten.
00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:31.680
Or I bet these boots are gonna zoom on to your feet.
00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:32.560
Ready?
00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:33.279
Set?
00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:34.399
Let's go.
00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:38.399
And suddenly the task wasn't something being done to them.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:42.800
It was something we were doing together, maybe even having fun doing it.
00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:46.639
With one of my kids, I'd pretend the boots were rocket ships.
00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:49.199
With another, we'd sing a little song we made up.
00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:54.959
It didn't have to be elaborate, it just had to break the tension and bring us back into connection.
00:05:55.279 --> 00:06:03.199
This approach, like knowledge, redirect, and then help them through it with warmth and playfulness, it became my go-to move.
00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:09.360
It honored their need to be heard without letting the resistance derail what actually needed to happen.
00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:14.959
And this isn't something that gets much attention, but it's so important when it comes to toddlers.
00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:20.720
Actively helping your child follow through is how you sidestep power struggles.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:25.519
You're not forcing compliance, you're facilitating cooperation.
00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:29.279
Now, this is the part I never want parents to miss.
00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:34.000
Your toddler's resistance is not a sign that you're losing control.
00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:38.079
It's a sign they're growing and building their voice.
00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:55.279
When you hold the limit and make room for their voice, you encourage your child's ability to stand up for themselves, to have a strong voice, the ability to say no to pressure, to unsafe situations, to people who don't have their best interests at heart.
00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:59.360
And with that, I want to encourage you to keep up the good work.
00:06:59.439 --> 00:07:03.519
You're doing better than you think, and I'll see you next week.
