WEBVTT
00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:08.160
Picture this.
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:09.359
You're at the park.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:11.359
It's a beautiful afternoon.
00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:21.679
Your toddler is playing in the sandbox when suddenly she leans over and screams, Mine, and she grabs a truck from the child sitting next to her.
00:00:21.920 --> 00:00:23.920
The other child starts crying.
00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:27.600
Your child is clutching that truck like her life depends on it.
00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:31.920
And you, well, you're standing there feeling totally humiliated.
00:00:32.320 --> 00:00:33.920
All eyes are on you.
00:00:34.079 --> 00:00:35.840
The other parents are watching.
00:00:36.079 --> 00:00:37.600
You can feel the judgment.
00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:39.119
Your face is hot.
00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:42.079
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:43.039
I'm Dr.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:50.560
Catherine, and today we're going to talk about big-hearted ways to see and solve sharing challenges.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:54.079
Here's what I want you to know right from the start.
00:00:54.320 --> 00:01:05.280
Your young child isn't selfish for not sharing, and you're not failing as a parent, and forcing them to share in that moment can actually make things worse.
00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:08.560
Today we're going to flip the script on sharing.
00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:18.959
We're going to talk about why mine is actually a great milestone, not a problem, and I'm going to give you practical tools you can use right away.
00:01:19.280 --> 00:01:23.760
So let's start off with a question from one of the mums in our community.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:24.400
Dr.
00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:30.799
Catherine, every time I take my two-year-old to the playground, he immediately wants to grab other kids' toys.
00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:33.840
And when I tell him he can't, he starts crying.
00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:35.439
What can I do?
00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:45.280
Thank you very much for your email, and I want to reassure you this is a very, very common problem that everyone goes through.
00:01:45.599 --> 00:01:50.400
So let me explain first why sharing is so hard for young kids.
00:01:50.560 --> 00:01:54.959
It makes it easier to manage when you understand why it's happening.
00:01:55.200 --> 00:01:58.400
So first of all, toddlers have immature brains.
00:01:58.560 --> 00:01:59.599
I know you know that.
00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:03.359
The impulse control areas, they're still under construction.
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:11.039
They literally don't have the brain wiring yet to stop themselves from grabbing that toy from the other child's hand.
00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:14.800
Secondly, they don't yet understand they're a separate person.
00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:22.240
They can't see a situation from another person's point of view, which is necessary for understanding sharing.
00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:26.879
And lastly, they don't understand that things belong to other people.
00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:30.319
In their world, if they want it, it should be theirs.
00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:31.759
And here's a big one.
00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:34.319
Toddlers don't really understand time.
00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:39.360
So when you say you can have a turn in five minutes, that means absolutely nothing to them.
00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:42.639
Five minutes might as well be five years.
00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:48.000
So when your toddler grabs a toy and cries, mine, they're not being selfish.
00:02:48.159 --> 00:02:52.000
They're being a toddler with a brain that's still under construction.
00:02:52.719 --> 00:02:58.800
So let's talk about expectations, because this is where a lot of the frustration comes from.
00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:08.479
Years ago I did an informal poll in my office and I found that forty-four percent of parents thought their kids should be able to share by two years of age.
00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:09.759
But guess what?
00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:16.719
Kids don't even start to understand the concept of sharing until around four to five years of age.
00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:19.599
And that means they're just starting at that point.
00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:20.639
I know.
00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:26.800
We want our kids to stand up for themselves, and we also want them to be generous and caring.
00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:31.840
And the good news is both are possible, but it takes time and the right approach.
00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:36.000
Now before we go any further, I want you to imagine something.
00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:40.639
You're at work, you're using your laptop to complete a project.
00:03:40.879 --> 00:03:46.000
A co-walker walks up and says, I need your laptop right now, give it to me.
00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:54.159
And your boss actually comes over and literally grabs it out of your hand and says, Jack forgot his computer, so you have to share yours.
00:03:54.240 --> 00:03:55.680
Now give it to him now.
00:03:55.919 --> 00:03:58.800
Well, realistically, how would you feel about that?
00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:02.080
Would it make you more likely to want to share in the future?
00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:03.520
Absolutely not.
00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:07.039
You'd feel resentful and you'd feel more protective of your things.
00:04:07.120 --> 00:04:09.039
In fact, you'd start to guard them.
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:13.759
And this is pretty much what toddlers experience when we force sharing.
00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:15.759
So where does that leave us?
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:20.560
Well, again, we want our kids to be generous and we want them to be considerate.
00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:29.680
So the most important thing is to take blame out of the equation and recognize that your toddler needs direction, not judgment.
00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:34.399
So let's go back to that mom's question about our little guy who keeps grabbing toys.
00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:41.519
And honestly, we probably would deal with things slightly differently in front of strangers than with friends.
00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:46.240
So I'm going to give you several options that will cover all those situations.
00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:51.120
But before we get there, remember safety is always the greatest priority.
00:04:51.360 --> 00:05:00.800
Kids can get aggressive when fighting over toys, so step in early if needed, and then say something like, You're really sad you can't play with that truck right now.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:03.439
I get it, but it's not okay to grab.
00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:07.839
Let's give the little boy the truck and go look for something you can play with.
00:05:08.160 --> 00:05:09.439
Notice what we're doing.
00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:17.839
We're acknowledging the feeling, we're setting the boundary, we're keeping everyone safe, and we're not using shame or blame.
00:05:18.079 --> 00:05:25.120
And later, when your child is calm, you could say, next time you want something, try asking, can I have a turn?
00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:26.800
And then you can practice that.
00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:29.920
Do it with the toys, role play.
00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:33.279
Another powerful tool is sport casting.
00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:38.639
Now I find this works better with slightly older children, not young toddlers, but older ones.
00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:42.720
Sport casting is when you narrate what's happening without any judgment.
00:05:42.800 --> 00:05:44.240
And it sounds something like this.
00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:46.879
You want the shovel that little boy is using.
00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:49.600
He doesn't want to stop playing with it right now.
00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:51.439
You seem frustrated.
00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:58.800
Sports casting helps kids resolve things on their own without punishment or judgment or blame.
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:07.920
And if your young child cries when they don't get the toy, give them space to feel that frustration and say, you're sad you can't play with that toy.
00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:10.560
I know, sweetheart, it's really hard.
00:06:10.879 --> 00:06:13.839
Feelings are valid and we don't have to fix them.
00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:16.000
We just need to acknowledge them.
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:23.279
Now let's talk about strategies you can use proactively to teach your child about sharing.
00:06:23.600 --> 00:06:26.800
So the first thing is you can prep your child.
00:06:27.040 --> 00:06:32.000
Rehearse what to do when they get to the park and someone has a toy they want.
00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:38.240
You could say, when you see a toy another child is playing with, you can ask, can I have a turn?
00:06:38.480 --> 00:06:40.480
Then role play the situation.
00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:42.959
And this is really powerful learning.
00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:47.199
The next thing is you could bring some special park toys with you.
00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:57.279
And just before you leave the house, remind your child how to ask for a turn and practice what your child will do if somebody wants a turn with their toy.
00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:00.240
And the next thing is model sharing.
00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:04.480
Kids learn more from examples we set than the words we say.
00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:06.000
Narrate when you share.
00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:10.240
So say something like, hey sweetheart, would you like a bite of my bagel?
00:07:10.399 --> 00:07:12.000
I'll share it with you.
00:07:12.240 --> 00:07:14.319
So here's the big takeaway.
00:07:14.560 --> 00:07:23.519
When we force kids to share before they're developmentally ready, the lesson they learn is that sharing means losing something.
00:07:23.839 --> 00:07:31.680
Most kids, they're ready to start learning about sharing around three and a half years of age, and it's a slow process.
00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:34.560
Your kids will pick it up bit by bit.
00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:36.560
So what do we do in the meantime?
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:38.480
We teach turntaking.
00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:44.879
You can play with the truck until you're finished, and then it's your friend's turn, and then it can go back to you.
00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:48.079
Also, respect your child's know when possible.
00:07:48.240 --> 00:07:55.199
If they don't want to share a toy, encourage them to play with it as long as they want, but then to give it to their friend.
00:07:55.360 --> 00:07:58.879
And if your child doesn't want to share a special toy, that's okay.
00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:00.480
Keep it upstairs.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:02.959
This way they're learning boundaries.
00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:04.399
Stay empathetic.
00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:09.199
You're sad you can't play with the truck, I get it, but it's not okay to grab it.
00:08:09.360 --> 00:08:13.360
And then redirect your child to let's find something you can play with.
00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:15.360
Model sharing as well.
00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:17.439
Now let me leave you with this.
00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:20.240
Your child isn't bad if they grab toys.
00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:23.600
You're not a bad parent if your toddler is grabby.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:28.639
Young toddlers don't share because they're not developmentally ready.
00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:39.679
Be a good example, be proactive, practice at home when things are calm, and remember, mine is a milestone, not a character flaw.
00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:47.120
Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, Toddlers Made Easy.
00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:54.799
It's where I help you, and pushback and tantrums and mealtime and bedtime chaos will bring out the best in your child.
00:08:55.039 --> 00:08:59.360
And the best part is you can do this in under five minutes a day.
00:08:59.519 --> 00:09:01.919
You'll find the link in the show notes.
00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:03.519
Thanks for listening.
00:09:03.679 --> 00:09:06.799
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:08.160
Picture this.
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:09.359
You're at the park.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:11.359
It's a beautiful afternoon.
00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:21.679
Your toddler is playing in the sandbox when suddenly she leans over and screams, Mine, and she grabs a truck from the child sitting next to her.
00:00:21.920 --> 00:00:23.920
The other child starts crying.
00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:27.600
Your child is clutching that truck like her life depends on it.
00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:31.920
And you, well, you're standing there feeling totally humiliated.
00:00:32.320 --> 00:00:33.920
All eyes are on you.
00:00:34.079 --> 00:00:35.840
The other parents are watching.
00:00:36.079 --> 00:00:37.600
You can feel the judgment.
00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:39.119
Your face is hot.
00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:42.079
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:43.039
I'm Dr.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:50.560
Catherine, and today we're going to talk about big-hearted ways to see and solve sharing challenges.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:54.079
Here's what I want you to know right from the start.
00:00:54.320 --> 00:01:05.280
Your young child isn't selfish for not sharing, and you're not failing as a parent, and forcing them to share in that moment can actually make things worse.
00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:08.560
Today we're going to flip the script on sharing.
00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:18.959
We're going to talk about why mine is actually a great milestone, not a problem, and I'm going to give you practical tools you can use right away.
00:01:19.280 --> 00:01:23.760
So let's start off with a question from one of the mums in our community.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:24.400
Dr.
00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:30.799
Catherine, every time I take my two-year-old to the playground, he immediately wants to grab other kids' toys.
00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:33.840
And when I tell him he can't, he starts crying.
00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:35.439
What can I do?
00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:45.280
Thank you very much for your email, and I want to reassure you this is a very, very common problem that everyone goes through.
00:01:45.599 --> 00:01:50.400
So let me explain first why sharing is so hard for young kids.
00:01:50.560 --> 00:01:54.959
It makes it easier to manage when you understand why it's happening.
00:01:55.200 --> 00:01:58.400
So first of all, toddlers have immature brains.
00:01:58.560 --> 00:01:59.599
I know you know that.
00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:03.359
The impulse control areas, they're still under construction.
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:11.039
They literally don't have the brain wiring yet to stop themselves from grabbing that toy from the other child's hand.
00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:14.800
Secondly, they don't yet understand they're a separate person.
00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:22.240
They can't see a situation from another person's point of view, which is necessary for understanding sharing.
00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:26.879
And lastly, they don't understand that things belong to other people.
00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:30.319
In their world, if they want it, it should be theirs.
00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:31.759
And here's a big one.
00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:34.319
Toddlers don't really understand time.
00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:39.360
So when you say you can have a turn in five minutes, that means absolutely nothing to them.
00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:42.639
Five minutes might as well be five years.
00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:48.000
So when your toddler grabs a toy and cries, mine, they're not being selfish.
00:02:48.159 --> 00:02:52.000
They're being a toddler with a brain that's still under construction.
00:02:52.719 --> 00:02:58.800
So let's talk about expectations, because this is where a lot of the frustration comes from.
00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:08.479
Years ago I did an informal poll in my office and I found that forty-four percent of parents thought their kids should be able to share by two years of age.
00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:09.759
But guess what?
00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:16.719
Kids don't even start to understand the concept of sharing until around four to five years of age.
00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:19.599
And that means they're just starting at that point.
00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:20.639
I know.
00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:26.800
We want our kids to stand up for themselves, and we also want them to be generous and caring.
00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:31.840
And the good news is both are possible, but it takes time and the right approach.
00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:36.000
Now before we go any further, I want you to imagine something.
00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:40.639
You're at work, you're using your laptop to complete a project.
00:03:40.879 --> 00:03:46.000
A co-walker walks up and says, I need your laptop right now, give it to me.
00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:54.159
And your boss actually comes over and literally grabs it out of your hand and says, Jack forgot his computer, so you have to share yours.
00:03:54.240 --> 00:03:55.680
Now give it to him now.
00:03:55.919 --> 00:03:58.800
Well, realistically, how would you feel about that?
00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:02.080
Would it make you more likely to want to share in the future?
00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:03.520
Absolutely not.
00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:07.039
You'd feel resentful and you'd feel more protective of your things.
00:04:07.120 --> 00:04:09.039
In fact, you'd start to guard them.
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:13.759
And this is pretty much what toddlers experience when we force sharing.
00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:15.759
So where does that leave us?
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:20.560
Well, again, we want our kids to be generous and we want them to be considerate.
00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:29.680
So the most important thing is to take blame out of the equation and recognize that your toddler needs direction, not judgment.
00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:34.399
So let's go back to that mom's question about our little guy who keeps grabbing toys.
00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:41.519
And honestly, we probably would deal with things slightly differently in front of strangers than with friends.
00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:46.240
So I'm going to give you several options that will cover all those situations.
00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:51.120
But before we get there, remember safety is always the greatest priority.
00:04:51.360 --> 00:05:00.800
Kids can get aggressive when fighting over toys, so step in early if needed, and then say something like, You're really sad you can't play with that truck right now.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:03.439
I get it, but it's not okay to grab.
00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:07.839
Let's give the little boy the truck and go look for something you can play with.
00:05:08.160 --> 00:05:09.439
Notice what we're doing.
00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:17.839
We're acknowledging the feeling, we're setting the boundary, we're keeping everyone safe, and we're not using shame or blame.
00:05:18.079 --> 00:05:25.120
And later, when your child is calm, you could say, next time you want something, try asking, can I have a turn?
00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:26.800
And then you can practice that.
00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:29.920
Do it with the toys, role play.
00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:33.279
Another powerful tool is sport casting.
00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:38.639
Now I find this works better with slightly older children, not young toddlers, but older ones.
00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:42.720
Sport casting is when you narrate what's happening without any judgment.
00:05:42.800 --> 00:05:44.240
And it sounds something like this.
00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:46.879
You want the shovel that little boy is using.
00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:49.600
He doesn't want to stop playing with it right now.
00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:51.439
You seem frustrated.
00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:58.800
Sports casting helps kids resolve things on their own without punishment or judgment or blame.
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:07.920
And if your young child cries when they don't get the toy, give them space to feel that frustration and say, you're sad you can't play with that toy.
00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:10.560
I know, sweetheart, it's really hard.
00:06:10.879 --> 00:06:13.839
Feelings are valid and we don't have to fix them.
00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:16.000
We just need to acknowledge them.
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:23.279
Now let's talk about strategies you can use proactively to teach your child about sharing.
00:06:23.600 --> 00:06:26.800
So the first thing is you can prep your child.
00:06:27.040 --> 00:06:32.000
Rehearse what to do when they get to the park and someone has a toy they want.
00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:38.240
You could say, when you see a toy another child is playing with, you can ask, can I have a turn?
00:06:38.480 --> 00:06:40.480
Then role play the situation.
00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:42.959
And this is really powerful learning.
00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:47.199
The next thing is you could bring some special park toys with you.
00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:57.279
And just before you leave the house, remind your child how to ask for a turn and practice what your child will do if somebody wants a turn with their toy.
00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:00.240
And the next thing is model sharing.
00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:04.480
Kids learn more from examples we set than the words we say.
00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:06.000
Narrate when you share.
00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:10.240
So say something like, hey sweetheart, would you like a bite of my bagel?
00:07:10.399 --> 00:07:12.000
I'll share it with you.
00:07:12.240 --> 00:07:14.319
So here's the big takeaway.
00:07:14.560 --> 00:07:23.519
When we force kids to share before they're developmentally ready, the lesson they learn is that sharing means losing something.
00:07:23.839 --> 00:07:31.680
Most kids, they're ready to start learning about sharing around three and a half years of age, and it's a slow process.
00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:34.560
Your kids will pick it up bit by bit.
00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:36.560
So what do we do in the meantime?
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:38.480
We teach turntaking.
00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:44.879
You can play with the truck until you're finished, and then it's your friend's turn, and then it can go back to you.
00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:48.079
Also, respect your child's know when possible.
00:07:48.240 --> 00:07:55.199
If they don't want to share a toy, encourage them to play with it as long as they want, but then to give it to their friend.
00:07:55.360 --> 00:07:58.879
And if your child doesn't want to share a special toy, that's okay.
00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:00.480
Keep it upstairs.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:02.959
This way they're learning boundaries.
00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:04.399
Stay empathetic.
00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:09.199
You're sad you can't play with the truck, I get it, but it's not okay to grab it.
00:08:09.360 --> 00:08:13.360
And then redirect your child to let's find something you can play with.
00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:15.360
Model sharing as well.
00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:17.439
Now let me leave you with this.
00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:20.240
Your child isn't bad if they grab toys.
00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:23.600
You're not a bad parent if your toddler is grabby.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:28.639
Young toddlers don't share because they're not developmentally ready.
00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:39.679
Be a good example, be proactive, practice at home when things are calm, and remember, mine is a milestone, not a character flaw.
00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:47.120
Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, Toddlers Made Easy.
00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:54.799
It's where I help you, and pushback and tantrums and mealtime and bedtime chaos will bring out the best in your child.
00:08:55.039 --> 00:08:59.360
And the best part is you can do this in under five minutes a day.
00:08:59.519 --> 00:09:01.919
You'll find the link in the show notes.
00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:03.519
Thanks for listening.
00:09:03.679 --> 00:09:06.799
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
