WEBVTT
00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:11.039
Today, I want to talk about a question I hear all the time.
00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:15.759
And the question is, am I expecting too much from my toddler?
00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:23.199
Now, if you've ever wondered that, especially when your child isn't listening, pause for a second and give yourself credit.
00:00:23.440 --> 00:00:27.039
Asking this question means you're a very thoughtful parent.
00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:33.439
Parenting gets so much easier when our expectations match what toddlers can actually handle.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:35.520
Take sitting still, for example.
00:00:35.759 --> 00:00:37.679
That's not a toddler skill.
00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:43.280
Not because your child is defiant, but because their brain isn't built for it yet.
00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:50.560
When we ask a toddler to do something they can't realistically do, it sets everyone up for frustration.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:51.600
I'm Dr.
00:00:51.679 --> 00:00:54.880
Catherine and welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:59.280
I want to share a quick story about expectations with you.
00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:06.959
I saw this play out during an appointment with a mum whose name was Katie and her 18 month old Riley.
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:13.760
Katie asked Riley to sit still while her mum and I talked, and I knew that wasn't going to happen.
00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:18.480
So instead, respectfully, I picked Riley up and sat her next to me.
00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:20.959
And suddenly she felt included.
00:01:21.120 --> 00:01:27.280
There was no power struggle, no tantrum, and she wasn't checking out every drawer and cupboard in my office.
00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:33.200
That tiny shift, adjusting our expectations of her, kept the appointment calm.
00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:36.319
You see, toddlers are not mini adults.
00:01:36.560 --> 00:01:40.480
Their brains are still growing fast, but still unfinished.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:44.079
So this means impulse control is just beginning.
00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:48.000
And emotional regulation, well, it's a work in progress.
00:01:48.319 --> 00:01:55.120
So for instance, when a toddler grabs a toy from another child, it's so easy to think they're so selfish.
00:01:55.280 --> 00:02:00.879
But at two or three, they're just starting to understand that other people even have feelings.
00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:06.640
And when we remember this, we can stay calmer and still hold boundaries.
00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:09.919
So what happens when our expectations are too high?
00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:20.000
Well, we get frustrated, our tone gets sharper, maybe we move towards punishment such as taking things away or threatening consequences.
00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:26.319
But the thing with punishment is it doesn't really teach a toddler what to do differently next time.
00:02:26.560 --> 00:02:34.479
We also start taking the behavior personally and say things like, oh, she's driving me crazy, or he never listens.
00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:39.199
Most of the time, toddlers aren't trying to push our buttons.
00:02:39.360 --> 00:02:42.560
They're showing us what they still need help learning.
00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:47.439
So what helps is to reframe how we see the situation or the challenge.
00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:51.120
They're not giving us a hard time, they're having a hard time.
00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:56.400
That comment I find it's really overused, but it's so true that I had to use it.
00:02:56.639 --> 00:03:06.879
Or another way of saying this is, and this is what I would say is from a big-hearted perspective, is you'd think kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have.
00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:13.360
You see, it really matters how we see a situation because it shapes how we respond to it.
00:03:13.599 --> 00:03:24.000
And in real life, this looks like instead of expecting your toddler to calmly leave the playground the first time you ask, expect that transitions are hard and plan for it.
00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:28.240
Say, one more time down the slide, then it's time to go.
00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:33.599
You see, you're still holding a boundary, but just in a way that their brain can tolerate.
00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:36.080
So how to check your expectations?
00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:39.680
Well, first of all, know the stage your child is in.
00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:45.039
Toddlers have big emotions and small self-control, and that's normal.
00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:48.400
Feelings basically explode out of them.
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:55.199
Next, notice your triggers, thoughts like they should know better or they should be able to do this by now.
00:03:55.439 --> 00:03:59.599
Well, they often mean that the expectations are actually too high.
00:03:59.919 --> 00:04:01.680
Next, teach the skill.
00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:05.280
Instead of expecting a toddler to stop yelling, model.
00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:08.319
When you're mad, you can take a deep breath.
00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:18.720
And lastly, look for progress, not perfection, because when it comes to expectations, small wins matter.
00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:25.519
Now I want to just give you a little overview of a few things of what you can expect for two, three, and four year olds.
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:31.120
So at two years old, expect big feelings with tiny breaks.
00:04:31.360 --> 00:04:34.800
Expect tantrums over things that don't make any sense.
00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:39.920
Expect limited language, and that feelings will come out as behavior.
00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:43.360
Expect interruptions, mess and emotion.
00:04:43.600 --> 00:04:48.959
And also expect the biggest hugs you've ever had and the kindest little person.
00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:54.879
A three-year-old, language is booming, but feelings still outrun words.
00:04:55.040 --> 00:05:00.240
They have huge curiosity, imaginative fears feel very real.
00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:05.199
Sharing is still really hard, so focus on taking turns instead.
00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:10.319
And also, one little thing that may pop up is lying may appear at this age.
00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:15.040
And your child is going to be so much fun, loving, and creative.
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.759
Now a four-year-old has a strong desire for independence.
00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:23.600
Testing limits is part of learning and part of everything.
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:27.920
Sharing and rules are improving, but inconsistent.
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:31.839
And if safety is an issue, you want to hold those boundaries.
00:05:32.079 --> 00:05:34.800
I'm going to hold your hand to keep you safe.
00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:37.759
And your four-year-old will be hugely funny.
00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:42.079
They'll be developing friendships, and they're going to want to please you.
00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:45.199
Now, one last reminder before we go.
00:05:45.519 --> 00:05:48.399
All toddlers are wired to test limits.
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:51.600
That's not misbehavior, that's development.
00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:52.800
That's how they learn.
00:05:52.959 --> 00:05:54.720
It's what they should be doing.
00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:58.959
But if you expect it, it becomes far less frustrating.
00:05:59.199 --> 00:06:02.160
And that's what I call a big-hearted approach.
00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:06.319
Kids are doing the best they can with the resources they have.
00:06:06.560 --> 00:06:12.720
And that's why discipline works best when it's tailored to how their brains actually develop.
00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:18.319
Because what works at two years is really not the same as what works at 10 years old.
00:06:18.639 --> 00:06:24.399
Now, when you parent from this place, you can hold firm boundaries while staying connected.
00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:26.399
And that changes everything.
00:06:26.639 --> 00:06:33.600
Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, Talbers Made It Easy.
00:06:33.839 --> 00:06:41.920
It's where I help you and push back tantrims, bedtime chaos, and so much more, while bringing out the best in your child.
00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:45.680
And the best part is you can do it in under five minutes a day.
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:48.319
You'll find the link in the show notes.
00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:50.079
Thank you for listening.
00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:53.600
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:11.039
Today, I want to talk about a question I hear all the time.
00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:15.759
And the question is, am I expecting too much from my toddler?
00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:23.199
Now, if you've ever wondered that, especially when your child isn't listening, pause for a second and give yourself credit.
00:00:23.440 --> 00:00:27.039
Asking this question means you're a very thoughtful parent.
00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:33.439
Parenting gets so much easier when our expectations match what toddlers can actually handle.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:35.520
Take sitting still, for example.
00:00:35.759 --> 00:00:37.679
That's not a toddler skill.
00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:43.280
Not because your child is defiant, but because their brain isn't built for it yet.
00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:50.560
When we ask a toddler to do something they can't realistically do, it sets everyone up for frustration.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:51.600
I'm Dr.
00:00:51.679 --> 00:00:54.880
Catherine and welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:59.280
I want to share a quick story about expectations with you.
00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:06.959
I saw this play out during an appointment with a mum whose name was Katie and her 18 month old Riley.
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:13.760
Katie asked Riley to sit still while her mum and I talked, and I knew that wasn't going to happen.
00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:18.480
So instead, respectfully, I picked Riley up and sat her next to me.
00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:20.959
And suddenly she felt included.
00:01:21.120 --> 00:01:27.280
There was no power struggle, no tantrum, and she wasn't checking out every drawer and cupboard in my office.
00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:33.200
That tiny shift, adjusting our expectations of her, kept the appointment calm.
00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:36.319
You see, toddlers are not mini adults.
00:01:36.560 --> 00:01:40.480
Their brains are still growing fast, but still unfinished.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:44.079
So this means impulse control is just beginning.
00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:48.000
And emotional regulation, well, it's a work in progress.
00:01:48.319 --> 00:01:55.120
So for instance, when a toddler grabs a toy from another child, it's so easy to think they're so selfish.
00:01:55.280 --> 00:02:00.879
But at two or three, they're just starting to understand that other people even have feelings.
00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:06.640
And when we remember this, we can stay calmer and still hold boundaries.
00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:09.919
So what happens when our expectations are too high?
00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:20.000
Well, we get frustrated, our tone gets sharper, maybe we move towards punishment such as taking things away or threatening consequences.
00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:26.319
But the thing with punishment is it doesn't really teach a toddler what to do differently next time.
00:02:26.560 --> 00:02:34.479
We also start taking the behavior personally and say things like, oh, she's driving me crazy, or he never listens.
00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:39.199
Most of the time, toddlers aren't trying to push our buttons.
00:02:39.360 --> 00:02:42.560
They're showing us what they still need help learning.
00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:47.439
So what helps is to reframe how we see the situation or the challenge.
00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:51.120
They're not giving us a hard time, they're having a hard time.
00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:56.400
That comment I find it's really overused, but it's so true that I had to use it.
00:02:56.639 --> 00:03:06.879
Or another way of saying this is, and this is what I would say is from a big-hearted perspective, is you'd think kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have.
00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:13.360
You see, it really matters how we see a situation because it shapes how we respond to it.
00:03:13.599 --> 00:03:24.000
And in real life, this looks like instead of expecting your toddler to calmly leave the playground the first time you ask, expect that transitions are hard and plan for it.
00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:28.240
Say, one more time down the slide, then it's time to go.
00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:33.599
You see, you're still holding a boundary, but just in a way that their brain can tolerate.
00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:36.080
So how to check your expectations?
00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:39.680
Well, first of all, know the stage your child is in.
00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:45.039
Toddlers have big emotions and small self-control, and that's normal.
00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:48.400
Feelings basically explode out of them.
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:55.199
Next, notice your triggers, thoughts like they should know better or they should be able to do this by now.
00:03:55.439 --> 00:03:59.599
Well, they often mean that the expectations are actually too high.
00:03:59.919 --> 00:04:01.680
Next, teach the skill.
00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:05.280
Instead of expecting a toddler to stop yelling, model.
00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:08.319
When you're mad, you can take a deep breath.
00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:18.720
And lastly, look for progress, not perfection, because when it comes to expectations, small wins matter.
00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:25.519
Now I want to just give you a little overview of a few things of what you can expect for two, three, and four year olds.
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:31.120
So at two years old, expect big feelings with tiny breaks.
00:04:31.360 --> 00:04:34.800
Expect tantrums over things that don't make any sense.
00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:39.920
Expect limited language, and that feelings will come out as behavior.
00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:43.360
Expect interruptions, mess and emotion.
00:04:43.600 --> 00:04:48.959
And also expect the biggest hugs you've ever had and the kindest little person.
00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:54.879
A three-year-old, language is booming, but feelings still outrun words.
00:04:55.040 --> 00:05:00.240
They have huge curiosity, imaginative fears feel very real.
00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:05.199
Sharing is still really hard, so focus on taking turns instead.
00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:10.319
And also, one little thing that may pop up is lying may appear at this age.
00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:15.040
And your child is going to be so much fun, loving, and creative.
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.759
Now a four-year-old has a strong desire for independence.
00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:23.600
Testing limits is part of learning and part of everything.
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:27.920
Sharing and rules are improving, but inconsistent.
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:31.839
And if safety is an issue, you want to hold those boundaries.
00:05:32.079 --> 00:05:34.800
I'm going to hold your hand to keep you safe.
00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:37.759
And your four-year-old will be hugely funny.
00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:42.079
They'll be developing friendships, and they're going to want to please you.
00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:45.199
Now, one last reminder before we go.
00:05:45.519 --> 00:05:48.399
All toddlers are wired to test limits.
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:51.600
That's not misbehavior, that's development.
00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:52.800
That's how they learn.
00:05:52.959 --> 00:05:54.720
It's what they should be doing.
00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:58.959
But if you expect it, it becomes far less frustrating.
00:05:59.199 --> 00:06:02.160
And that's what I call a big-hearted approach.
00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:06.319
Kids are doing the best they can with the resources they have.
00:06:06.560 --> 00:06:12.720
And that's why discipline works best when it's tailored to how their brains actually develop.
00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:18.319
Because what works at two years is really not the same as what works at 10 years old.
00:06:18.639 --> 00:06:24.399
Now, when you parent from this place, you can hold firm boundaries while staying connected.
00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:26.399
And that changes everything.
00:06:26.639 --> 00:06:33.600
Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, Talbers Made It Easy.
00:06:33.839 --> 00:06:41.920
It's where I help you and push back tantrims, bedtime chaos, and so much more, while bringing out the best in your child.
00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:45.680
And the best part is you can do it in under five minutes a day.
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:48.319
You'll find the link in the show notes.
00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:50.079
Thank you for listening.
00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:53.600
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
