WEBVTT
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:07.440
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:08.160
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:15.279
Catherine, and today we're going to tackle one of the most exhausting parts of parenting, night wakings.
00:00:15.759 --> 00:00:20.000
Why do they happen, and more importantly, how do you fix them?
00:00:20.239 --> 00:00:21.920
Now I'm gonna be honest with you.
00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:27.760
There was a time in my own life when I genuinely wondered if I'd ever feel rested again.
00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:35.840
And it wasn't until our second child that we really figured things out and built some better habits and started feeling human again.
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:42.399
My first child actually was before I even went to medical school, so I didn't have the benefit of that experience.
00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:47.520
So let's start with a bit of science, and I'll keep it brief because I know you're exhausted.
00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:54.320
So think of your toddler sleep like a diver going from shallow water to deep and back again.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:01:00.399
That cycle repeats itself every 60 to 90 minutes, depending on your child's age.
00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:02.880
And here's the key thing you need to know.
00:01:03.119 --> 00:01:09.439
During those lighter sleep phases, your toddler naturally wakes up, just like you do every night.
00:01:09.599 --> 00:01:13.439
You might roll over or adjust your pillow without even realizing it.
00:01:13.599 --> 00:01:20.719
But your toddler, they're gonna want whatever conditions they've come to rely on to fall asleep in the first place.
00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:26.400
So let's say you've been lying down with your child for 20 minutes each night until they drift off.
00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:31.040
Well your child has learned that you're the thing they need to fall asleep.
00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:38.000
So when they hit that light sleep phase at about two in the morning, they wake up fully and then they come looking for you.
00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:42.159
They're basically saying, Hey, something's missing, come fix it for me, please.
00:01:42.239 --> 00:01:43.680
I need to go back to sleep.
00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:46.239
Here's the really important piece.
00:01:46.560 --> 00:01:48.879
Night wakings are biologic.
00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:52.319
It means they happen naturally and it happens to all of us.
00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:57.439
But how your child handles those night wakings, that's the part that's learned.
00:01:57.760 --> 00:02:05.439
If you rub their back until they fall asleep every night, that's the association their brain has built around drifting off.
00:02:05.599 --> 00:02:14.479
And it becomes a very deep seated memory, and they need it every night at those light sleep states so that they can fall back to sleep.
00:02:14.960 --> 00:02:16.800
And here's the good news.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:25.520
If you want to change things, you don't have to, but if you're exhausted and you want to change things, it's never too late to change this.
00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:36.560
And even better, there are really gentle, kind ways of doing this that don't hurt your emotional connection or hurt your child in any way.
00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:38.960
So let me tell you about Jenny.
00:02:39.280 --> 00:02:53.680
Jenny was four years old and she was still waking her parents two times at night, most nights, and her mom was so exhausted that one morning she backed her car out of the garage without opening the garage door first.
00:02:54.080 --> 00:03:00.719
Now thankfully nobody was hurt, but that was the moment Jenny's mom knew something had to change.
00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:12.240
She reached out to me and we worked on Jenny's falling asleep habits, and honestly, within maybe I'd say about ten days, Jenny was sleeping through the night without waking her parents.
00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:21.599
And that brings me to something I want to spend a moment on, and that's sleep deprivation, because I don't think we talk about it seriously enough.
00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:29.680
The National Sleep Foundation estimates that a hundred thousand car accidents every year are caused by sleep deprivation.
00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:35.680
A British study found that sleep deprived mums actually drive worse than an impaired driver.
00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:37.439
That's terrifying.
00:03:37.759 --> 00:03:49.840
Sleep deprivation, it's also linked to depression and weight gain and forgetfulness, increased anxiety, irritability, and being more accident prone overall.
00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:54.879
Emotional regulation becomes much harder when you're running on empty.
00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:56.639
And that's ironic, isn't it?
00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:02.879
Because emotional regulation is exactly the skill we're trying to model and teach our kids.
00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:06.159
So now let's look at it from the kids' point of view.
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:13.360
Toddlers between one to two years, they need about eleven to fourteen hours of sleep a day, including their naps.
00:04:13.599 --> 00:04:18.879
While preschoolers, say three to five year olds, they need about ten to thirteen hours.
00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:25.199
And school age kids, say from six to twelve years old, they need about nine to twelve hours a day.
00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:45.279
When those needs aren't met, a study, another National Institute of Health study, found that children in the insufficient sleep group showed more mental health and behavioral challenges, things like impulsivity, anxiety, even a little depression, stress, and aggressive behavior.
00:04:45.519 --> 00:04:52.800
They also didn't make the best decisions, their memory wasn't as strong, and learning was impacted.
00:04:53.199 --> 00:05:04.560
So what I'm trying to say here, and this is something I feel very strongly about, but don't talk about enough, and that is sleep is not a luxury for kids or for parents.
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:17.360
Having been on call for many, many, many years, plus having kids waking up at night, I was so sleep deprived for such a long time, and I could see how it took a toll on me.
00:05:17.680 --> 00:05:21.920
Now, there are several reasons a toddler might wake at night.
00:05:22.079 --> 00:05:33.920
One of the most common is that a child simply hasn't learned how to fall asleep independently, and so they can't really drift back to sleep when they naturally hit the light sleep state during the night.
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:36.399
I'm just repeating what I already told you.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:39.120
But think of it from an adult point of view.
00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:41.759
Most of us sleep with a pillow and a blanket.
00:05:41.920 --> 00:05:46.079
Now just imagine waking up in the night and your pillow and blanket weren't there.
00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:48.879
Well you'd get up out of bed and you'd go looking for them.
00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:58.480
And that's a lot like what a child does when they wake up in the night and aren't feeling sure how to get themselves back to sleep where it's not yet natural.
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:04.319
So when they dash into your room at night, they're looking for their way of falling asleep.
00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:13.120
And it doesn't matter whether you're warm or loving, or whether you yell back to bed, because kids love positive and negative attention.
00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:18.079
In fact, toddlers find negative attention surprisingly compelling.
00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:30.319
If your child gets up at night and you yell at them back to bed, well you've just made getting up at night feel kind of attractive, exciting, powerful, and it actually reinforces the behavior.
00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:42.319
And also, when your child gets up, let's say for the third time that night, and you've just had it, you're completely spent, it's not surprising that you might let them into your bed, feeling like it's the obvious solution.
00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:44.959
I know I did that for a period of time too.
00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:46.720
And honestly, it's cozy.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:48.160
I kind of loved it.
00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:52.319
But it's gonna make getting up at night more compelling.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:56.560
The fix is helping your child learn to fall asleep on their own.
00:06:56.800 --> 00:07:02.800
Now I go deep into this in my two-part series, Why Won't My Child Go to Sleep Without Me?
00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:04.720
So definitely check those out.
00:07:05.040 --> 00:07:21.040
Part one focuses on the emotional needs at bedtime, and part two walks you through what I call the easy does it strategy, which is a really big-hearted, no tears approach to helping your child build that independence skill.
00:07:21.360 --> 00:07:29.439
Now you know me, I don't like solving things in ways that hurt your relationship with your child or hurt your child's emotional well-being.
00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:33.199
This is a gentle way of handling sleep problems.
00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:42.639
Now before I wrap up, if your child is still waking at night and everyone in your house is doing fine and you're not tired, you don't have to change anything.
00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:44.959
There's no rule that says you must.
00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:48.240
This is only a problem if it's a problem for your family.
00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:52.319
And if it is a problem, you don't need to feel guilty about it.
00:07:52.639 --> 00:07:54.319
Everybody needs sleep.
00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:57.120
And a couple of other things worth mentioning.
00:07:57.360 --> 00:08:02.959
If a new baby has just joined the family, well that can absolutely disrupt your toddler's sleep.
00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:08.000
Crying is the obvious culprit, but stress and adjustment play a role too.
00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:18.000
A white noise machine in your toddler's room can help muffle sounds, and some dedicated one-on-one time during the day can also ease the transition.
00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:23.680
But don't forget there are also medical issues that can be a factor in nighttime wakings.
00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:34.480
For instance, a child with asthma who coughs through the night, or maybe your child has reflux and that's waking her up, or a child who snores heavily due to sleep apnea.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:37.759
These are things to bring up with your healthcare provider.
00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:44.559
And sometimes it's simply a matter of sleep timing that hasn't been adjusted as your child has grown.
00:08:44.799 --> 00:08:48.639
Go check out those episodes on falling asleep independently.
00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:56.720
And if you have a question or a story to share, you can DM me on Instagram or send me an email at the address in the show notes.
00:08:56.879 --> 00:09:02.559
And don't forget, sometimes it's the smallest changes that make the biggest difference.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:04.159
Thank you for listening.
00:09:04.320 --> 00:09:12.559
And also, you'll find in the show notes I have a little very mini course on how to get your child to sleep independently.
00:09:12.720 --> 00:09:23.039
It's a little different than the podcast episodes because there are two different strategies so that you can pick the one that's the best fit for you and your child.
00:09:23.279 --> 00:09:26.960
Again, keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:07.440
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:08.160
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:15.279
Catherine, and today we're going to tackle one of the most exhausting parts of parenting, night wakings.
00:00:15.759 --> 00:00:20.000
Why do they happen, and more importantly, how do you fix them?
00:00:20.239 --> 00:00:21.920
Now I'm gonna be honest with you.
00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:27.760
There was a time in my own life when I genuinely wondered if I'd ever feel rested again.
00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:35.840
And it wasn't until our second child that we really figured things out and built some better habits and started feeling human again.
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:42.399
My first child actually was before I even went to medical school, so I didn't have the benefit of that experience.
00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:47.520
So let's start with a bit of science, and I'll keep it brief because I know you're exhausted.
00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:54.320
So think of your toddler sleep like a diver going from shallow water to deep and back again.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:01:00.399
That cycle repeats itself every 60 to 90 minutes, depending on your child's age.
00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:02.880
And here's the key thing you need to know.
00:01:03.119 --> 00:01:09.439
During those lighter sleep phases, your toddler naturally wakes up, just like you do every night.
00:01:09.599 --> 00:01:13.439
You might roll over or adjust your pillow without even realizing it.
00:01:13.599 --> 00:01:20.719
But your toddler, they're gonna want whatever conditions they've come to rely on to fall asleep in the first place.
00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:26.400
So let's say you've been lying down with your child for 20 minutes each night until they drift off.
00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:31.040
Well your child has learned that you're the thing they need to fall asleep.
00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:38.000
So when they hit that light sleep phase at about two in the morning, they wake up fully and then they come looking for you.
00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:42.159
They're basically saying, Hey, something's missing, come fix it for me, please.
00:01:42.239 --> 00:01:43.680
I need to go back to sleep.
00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:46.239
Here's the really important piece.
00:01:46.560 --> 00:01:48.879
Night wakings are biologic.
00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:52.319
It means they happen naturally and it happens to all of us.
00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:57.439
But how your child handles those night wakings, that's the part that's learned.
00:01:57.760 --> 00:02:05.439
If you rub their back until they fall asleep every night, that's the association their brain has built around drifting off.
00:02:05.599 --> 00:02:14.479
And it becomes a very deep seated memory, and they need it every night at those light sleep states so that they can fall back to sleep.
00:02:14.960 --> 00:02:16.800
And here's the good news.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:25.520
If you want to change things, you don't have to, but if you're exhausted and you want to change things, it's never too late to change this.
00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:36.560
And even better, there are really gentle, kind ways of doing this that don't hurt your emotional connection or hurt your child in any way.
00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:38.960
So let me tell you about Jenny.
00:02:39.280 --> 00:02:53.680
Jenny was four years old and she was still waking her parents two times at night, most nights, and her mom was so exhausted that one morning she backed her car out of the garage without opening the garage door first.
00:02:54.080 --> 00:03:00.719
Now thankfully nobody was hurt, but that was the moment Jenny's mom knew something had to change.
00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:12.240
She reached out to me and we worked on Jenny's falling asleep habits, and honestly, within maybe I'd say about ten days, Jenny was sleeping through the night without waking her parents.
00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:21.599
And that brings me to something I want to spend a moment on, and that's sleep deprivation, because I don't think we talk about it seriously enough.
00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:29.680
The National Sleep Foundation estimates that a hundred thousand car accidents every year are caused by sleep deprivation.
00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:35.680
A British study found that sleep deprived mums actually drive worse than an impaired driver.
00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:37.439
That's terrifying.
00:03:37.759 --> 00:03:49.840
Sleep deprivation, it's also linked to depression and weight gain and forgetfulness, increased anxiety, irritability, and being more accident prone overall.
00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:54.879
Emotional regulation becomes much harder when you're running on empty.
00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:56.639
And that's ironic, isn't it?
00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:02.879
Because emotional regulation is exactly the skill we're trying to model and teach our kids.
00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:06.159
So now let's look at it from the kids' point of view.
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:13.360
Toddlers between one to two years, they need about eleven to fourteen hours of sleep a day, including their naps.
00:04:13.599 --> 00:04:18.879
While preschoolers, say three to five year olds, they need about ten to thirteen hours.
00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:25.199
And school age kids, say from six to twelve years old, they need about nine to twelve hours a day.
00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:45.279
When those needs aren't met, a study, another National Institute of Health study, found that children in the insufficient sleep group showed more mental health and behavioral challenges, things like impulsivity, anxiety, even a little depression, stress, and aggressive behavior.
00:04:45.519 --> 00:04:52.800
They also didn't make the best decisions, their memory wasn't as strong, and learning was impacted.
00:04:53.199 --> 00:05:04.560
So what I'm trying to say here, and this is something I feel very strongly about, but don't talk about enough, and that is sleep is not a luxury for kids or for parents.
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:17.360
Having been on call for many, many, many years, plus having kids waking up at night, I was so sleep deprived for such a long time, and I could see how it took a toll on me.
00:05:17.680 --> 00:05:21.920
Now, there are several reasons a toddler might wake at night.
00:05:22.079 --> 00:05:33.920
One of the most common is that a child simply hasn't learned how to fall asleep independently, and so they can't really drift back to sleep when they naturally hit the light sleep state during the night.
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:36.399
I'm just repeating what I already told you.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:39.120
But think of it from an adult point of view.
00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:41.759
Most of us sleep with a pillow and a blanket.
00:05:41.920 --> 00:05:46.079
Now just imagine waking up in the night and your pillow and blanket weren't there.
00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:48.879
Well you'd get up out of bed and you'd go looking for them.
00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:58.480
And that's a lot like what a child does when they wake up in the night and aren't feeling sure how to get themselves back to sleep where it's not yet natural.
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:04.319
So when they dash into your room at night, they're looking for their way of falling asleep.
00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:13.120
And it doesn't matter whether you're warm or loving, or whether you yell back to bed, because kids love positive and negative attention.
00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:18.079
In fact, toddlers find negative attention surprisingly compelling.
00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:30.319
If your child gets up at night and you yell at them back to bed, well you've just made getting up at night feel kind of attractive, exciting, powerful, and it actually reinforces the behavior.
00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:42.319
And also, when your child gets up, let's say for the third time that night, and you've just had it, you're completely spent, it's not surprising that you might let them into your bed, feeling like it's the obvious solution.
00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:44.959
I know I did that for a period of time too.
00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:46.720
And honestly, it's cozy.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:48.160
I kind of loved it.
00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:52.319
But it's gonna make getting up at night more compelling.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:56.560
The fix is helping your child learn to fall asleep on their own.
00:06:56.800 --> 00:07:02.800
Now I go deep into this in my two-part series, Why Won't My Child Go to Sleep Without Me?
00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:04.720
So definitely check those out.
00:07:05.040 --> 00:07:21.040
Part one focuses on the emotional needs at bedtime, and part two walks you through what I call the easy does it strategy, which is a really big-hearted, no tears approach to helping your child build that independence skill.
00:07:21.360 --> 00:07:29.439
Now you know me, I don't like solving things in ways that hurt your relationship with your child or hurt your child's emotional well-being.
00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:33.199
This is a gentle way of handling sleep problems.
00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:42.639
Now before I wrap up, if your child is still waking at night and everyone in your house is doing fine and you're not tired, you don't have to change anything.
00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:44.959
There's no rule that says you must.
00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:48.240
This is only a problem if it's a problem for your family.
00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:52.319
And if it is a problem, you don't need to feel guilty about it.
00:07:52.639 --> 00:07:54.319
Everybody needs sleep.
00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:57.120
And a couple of other things worth mentioning.
00:07:57.360 --> 00:08:02.959
If a new baby has just joined the family, well that can absolutely disrupt your toddler's sleep.
00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:08.000
Crying is the obvious culprit, but stress and adjustment play a role too.
00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:18.000
A white noise machine in your toddler's room can help muffle sounds, and some dedicated one-on-one time during the day can also ease the transition.
00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:23.680
But don't forget there are also medical issues that can be a factor in nighttime wakings.
00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:34.480
For instance, a child with asthma who coughs through the night, or maybe your child has reflux and that's waking her up, or a child who snores heavily due to sleep apnea.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:37.759
These are things to bring up with your healthcare provider.
00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:44.559
And sometimes it's simply a matter of sleep timing that hasn't been adjusted as your child has grown.
00:08:44.799 --> 00:08:48.639
Go check out those episodes on falling asleep independently.
00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:56.720
And if you have a question or a story to share, you can DM me on Instagram or send me an email at the address in the show notes.
00:08:56.879 --> 00:09:02.559
And don't forget, sometimes it's the smallest changes that make the biggest difference.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:04.159
Thank you for listening.
00:09:04.320 --> 00:09:12.559
And also, you'll find in the show notes I have a little very mini course on how to get your child to sleep independently.
00:09:12.720 --> 00:09:23.039
It's a little different than the podcast episodes because there are two different strategies so that you can pick the one that's the best fit for you and your child.
00:09:23.279 --> 00:09:26.960
Again, keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
